Relationship without dispute: Why love without conflicts is not necessarily worth striving for
Even if many couples probably suspect it differently: an apparently peaceful get -together is not necessarily a seal of approval for a relationship. On the contrary: a controversial love can even be a warning sign, explain the psychotherapists and couple advisors Dr. Felicia de la Garza Mercer and Lia Huynh.
The trivialization of problems - why one should not ignore frustration in the relationship
“In the initial phase of oneIf it is quite normal for you to keep one or the other criticism for yourself, ”explains Dr. Felicia de la Garza Mercer. And actually there is too, which are so communicative so much on a wavelength that they talk about problems completely calmly. However, these couples are rather the exception. It is more likely that it is quite a bit of the apparently harmonious surface.
It becomes dangerous when frustrations are ignored: Here it makes sense to observe yourself and to explore whether you really stand over things or only want to maintain peace with the supposed serenity - for example, out of fear of losing the other. Here it would be advisable to ask yourself what cause this fear of conflicts is.
Come up with unsightly memories because yourshave often argued? Often people who are very afraid of being abandoned try to satisfy other people to avoid rejection. "”Some call this. But also past toxiccan lead to denying your own feelings in the now.
Once you are aware of your strategy, it helps to be aware of the following: behaviors that disturb you will not simply disappear because you ignore them. For example, if your partner is bothering you-Posts of his ex Likt, he won't stop if you don't speak. "If the core needs are constantly suppressed, you ultimately ignore and ultimately underestimate yourself," says Dr. De la Garza Mercer.
In addition: Small problems that are easy to solve can build up and discharge in the form of explosive and potentially hurtful expressions - which then also makes reconciliation more difficult.
This is how you recognize toxic conflict prevention in your relationship
To get a better sense of whether and to what extent you communicate your needs in the relationship sufficiently,, according to Lia Huynh, it is enough to observe yourself more closely in everyday life: Do I hold back a bit at the moment? Do I play certain situations in my head again and again, even though they are long gone?
If so, you should ask yourself why you hesitate for so long to say something. Do you let things grind just to avoid tensions? Is it more about getting over as calm and easy to care for instead of showing your true feelings? If the answer is “yes”, it may be time to tell your frustrations. That does not have to mean that there must also be escalation.
Our experts have put together a guide for fair arguments.
This is how productive fighting goes according to the experts
"It is not about arguing is bad," explains Huynh. "Rather, it depends on how to do it." If you do thisHeadily, inevitable disagreements can be removed quickly and painlessly:
- Use I statements to express your needs and avoid accusing statements. Sentences like “I have annoyed myself for us too late for our appointment toCome on ”come much better (and less hostile) than“ I obviously don't care if you can't even appear on time ”.
- Do not consider an apology as a defeat. A sincere “I'm sorry that I have hurt your feelings” can lead couples back to each other. "Anyone who focuses on the profit in the relationship basically says that it is more important than the relationship," said Dr. De la Garza Mercer.
- Don't be afraid to take a break, to briefly step out of the situation. A walk can be helpful before sending a quick message that you could possibly regret later. Or you agree with your counterpart to take up the topic again after dinner if you have both calmed down a little. It is then important to actually tackle the problem instead of ignoring it and letting it continue.
This article comes from our “Self” college: inside from US.
