This is what the unexpected death of “One Direction” singer Liam Payne does to me
I'm grieving. About Liam Payne.
I lie in my bed and stare at my phone in horror. In that one moment everything was fine. and then I get a message, then two, soon three, from people I haven't had contact with in a while. Liam Payne is dead.
My first reaction is, X (formerly) to open. I haven't done that for years. But I'm not the only one who had this idea. My account has been dormant since the end of One Direction (i.e. 2015) - until the evening of October 16, 2024. My home page was empty. But now, just minutes after news of Liam Payne's death broke, former ones are flooding inback to where our whole life used to take place.
We mourn. We are in shock. Accounts I haven't heard from in almost ten years are writing again. There will never be a reunion. He leaves behind a son. He leaves behind an ex-wife, a girlfriend, grieving parents, friends and fans. The old 1D fandom is in shock.
For about ten minutes we support each other and mourn. And then? Then the argument begins.
What happened to Liam Payne?
Trigger warning: Warning, the following article addresses suicide and/or suicidal thoughts.
As of now, no one knows for sure what circumstances led to Liam Payne's death. The singer has been open about his addiction to alcohol, drugs and drugs in the past-Problems and suicidal thoughts were discussed. As a “One Direction” fan, I of course had a certain image of the boys back then:happy boyband life on the bright side. I could never have imagined the reality of their stressful everyday lives and the hostility among the band members.
Liam repeatedly found himself in the headlines after the band ended. He appeared on podcasts with other problematic figures like Logan Paul and told disturbing stories. A day before his death, his long-term on-off relationship, Maya Henry, came forward and accused him of threatening, stalking and pressuring her to have a teenage abortion.
I definitely don't want to dissect everything here and show who said what. Just this: I had mixed and confusing feelings when I heard about Liam Payne's death. Many others probably felt the same way. And yet, after a very short time, fans attacked each other sharply: “You can’t feel anything else now except sadness,” “You and your bullying are to blame for him killing himself,” or “It’s disrespectful to talk about his problematic past now ”, I read everywhere on X at night. His ex-girlfriend is also threatened on Instagram and TikTok and blamed for his death.
I wonder: Can't we all have more than just one feeling about a person? I'm shocked and sad because I never thought someone from the band would die so early. I know he had drug problems and wish he had gotten the help he needed. But I also recognize that he has not always behaved correctly in recent years and has had to answer for this behavior.
Nevertheless, we mourn Liam Payne
It just feels strange: grieving for a person who was part of my youth for a huge part of my life, but with whom I had no or negative associations in recent years. Connor writes: “How do you reconcile the fact that someone you loved as a teenager has turned into a terrible person who is now dead? I don’t know how to feel except full of sadness.” That sums it up for me.
Stars are complex people with different facets – just like us. So I can simultaneously mourn a person and a time and also acknowledge that this person was problematic - even if they were not among my acquaintances or I never met them in private.
Because of course there are now people who shout “You didn’t even know him!” or “Your love was just parasocial anyway, he didn’t care about you.” And yes, of course my relationship was parasocial, I didn't know him personally as a friend. But that's not the point.
Because if I'm honest, my great sadness is primarily directed at the time that has passed and the moments that will never be the same again. Sure, back when Zayn left the band or when they announced their “indefinite hiatus,” the One Direction chapter was essentially already closed. But now, with the death of Liam Payne, the chapter is clearly over. Things will never be the same again.
I spent five years of my teenage years talking to other girls about our passion, One Direction. We listened to music together, analyzed it, wrote stories, organized fan events and formed deep friendships. I was ten years old when One Direction was formed on the British talent show “X Factor”. We grew up together.
And yet: I don't know exactly how to feel right now - and I think that's okay. Back then, almost 15 years ago, I would never have thought that I would now have to deal with these complex feelings.
I wish all his survivors nothing but the best. But I also hope that we former “One Direction” fans might move a little closer together again during this time and, above all, give each other understanding and support - and not the hate that our former playground Twitter (now X) is now for is so well known.
If you have suicidal thoughts, you can get help by dialing the emergency number on 112 or by calling the telephone counseling service, which is available around the clock and free of charge on 0800-111 0 111 or 0800-111 0 222. OnGerman depression helpYou will find information about the specific procedure and important advice centers.
