Pregnant, and now? Our authorThea StruveWas surrounded as a young woman in deciding for or against a demolition of people who were not convicted, but were great and warm. Today the mother of three children is still grateful to them.
Suddenly pregnant - what now?
I am 23 when I held a positive pregnancy test in my hands for the first time. My two sisters and my mother have become the same mothers. I am a student, in the sixth semester from which in the end should become twelve.
The years before had been wild years. After graduating from high school I pull my head over my head to another city, a man afterwards. The first studies go wrong, international business administration at a newly founded, renowned university of applied sciences in southern Germany. And after less than two years in which I hardly studied, had worked a lot, loved and danced, I suddenly found myself in a demolition house in an unheated apartment, which I shared with two other students, and in which it was so cold that the olive oil was frozen. After I had almost missed an engagement, had lived in my first own apartment after a friendship had broken and my first job and the first termination was done, I had nothing more than a room with a small music system, a mattress, a few clothes and an iron to smooth the blouses for my waiter job.
From this trip to the world, I came back miserably into my parents' house. But the two wild years took revenge. Suddenly I should repay a guarantee. More than ten thousand euros, which of course I didn't have in life and which I wanted to earn in a café, two shifts a day, three fifty an hour. And now I wanted to study, the shock was a more healing, after all, and I wrote down for philosophy and linguistics.
Just when I thought I had got the curve again, it slammed. Literally. I fell in love as thoroughly and so fell by the spot as I should never fall in love with it before and never. In addition to the hours that we sit between our layers in the café side by side, we were stunned by happiness and intoxicated by the other of the other in the eyes and found it, and nothing but nothing else was important. It was in love like in Bravo, a teen swarms of swarms for ten years. But the time, the old enthusiast, brought to light, which had remained hidden during the two -way nights: the differences that were so varied, so profound that it could really be love that had to us together for years.
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These years were also wild years. Between studying and job, we injured and separated, we never fully reconciled and gave ourselves. The nights that we screamed and raging the other to the world wanted to hammer our view of the world, like a mountain massif the expectations that we had and to formulate the words and experience. No weapon was too brutal, no hit too bad.
I don't know why we decided to go on vacation together. It should be our first and our last journey together. What was left of it is a photo on which our sizes of survival posing in front of a rock wall, combined by two unnaturally long, far too thin arms with which we wanted to hold on to each other, and years later a note in my mother's pass - pregnancies with this: 2.
The fact that I could be pregnant did not occur to me, although the symptoms were sufficient: leading tiredness, nausea, a hypersensitive nose, so that I had to vomit regularly from the benzing stank of the motorcycle, with which we drove across the Greek island. The vacation was terrible for both of us, and after he was over, we decided to finally separate ourselves.
I never wanted to have children. It was one of the things we fought hard. I wanted to work, see the world, don't sit in the sandpit and listen to a baby's whirlpool, let alone that of the other mothers.
When and where I did the test, I don't know anymore either. The visit to the gynecologist: deleted from the memory. Did I see an ultrasound? Possible or not. I will have taken the necessary steps to end this pregnancy from there.
I only remember the feeling during the days when I was waiting for the appointment in the clinic. I was pregnant. I felt pregnant. Completely. And I enjoyed it. I ran the rows in the drugstores, and looked at the baby products, stood in front of a wall of porridge, held my hand on my stomach and said what was happening.
I still had no doubt, and I don't regret it today. Because this memory is also clear and clear: the moment of our farewell, desperate and with the realization that we would never be able to understand each other. And a thought that twitched through me like a luminous letter: If you get the child, you will be connected to this man for a lifetime. An idea that dismantled all baby bumps, not because of him, but because of us.
Life after a demolition of pregnancy
Today I am a mother of three children and long for a fourth. I know that it was right not to get this child, albeit for the wrong reasons. Today I deal professionally with texts and thoughts on motherhood and parenthood and reads of women who want or have to let their unborn children go in other times or other countries. With what of the sky -wrinking injustice these women confronted how they were stigmatized, as they were left alone, humiliated and some of them have been and will be injured for their lives, on the body and in the soul, and I want to cry for these women, and I would like to be silent, in a country and in a time and with sufficient education and self -confidence, so that I could have made my decision.
The intervention was carried out on a Friday, the clinic was far outside the city, where I had never been before. I remember trees, a white, old building, of orange bed linen, that everything went very quickly, that hardly anyone spoke to me, that I was strange from anesthesia that I then drove to my parents in a taxi, who were traveling over the weekend, and felt in my children's room and felt the pain that raged in my abdomen.
Ending a pregnancy - I deliberately do not say abortation because this word is as ugly and as rough as the process may also work - is an as private decision as a child born. A decision that can be easy to be like a wink or lead to the edge of the forces that in both cases should only hit the woman in whose body this nature of nature takes place, and whose life will be that of a mother until her last breath. With all the consequences that the society still characterized in our still patriarchal. Or not.
In order to be demolished, it is mandatory in Germany to get advice. I was sitting in a young woman in a official building who spoke kindly to me, who hardly asked, hardly questioned, who crashed and ticked off and nodded and who in the end said something for which I am still grateful to her today. She said, "This child will come back to you." I imagine my first child would have been a girl. And I know exactly which of my two girls she found back to me. And I wish these girls that if there is such a decision in their lives, they are surrounded by people who are not judged, but are great and warm, and who can see that there is also a possibility in one loss.
