The Manhattan Effect: When the fear of a breakup endangers the relationship

Who the third season ofHeartstopperhas seen the Manhattan effect before. Nick (and Charlie (Joe Locke) are in love, but their school days are coming to an end. Nick is a year older than Charlie and has to choose a university, but Charlie doesn't want to accept that Nick is moving away and startsto exercise. He unconsciously works against the relationship because hehas. Many couples struggle with this phenomenon. One person fears that a decision the other person will make will jeopardize the entire relationship and doesn't realize that their reaction will do the exact same thing. In this case we speak of thatManhattan effect. We'll clarify what's going on with thathas on itself.

Fear of loss is a negative emotion in which you fear losing the other person in a relationship. These fears can arise from previous experiences and often lead to an excessive need for reassurance and security in the relationship. This can endanger relationships because fear of loss is often accompanied by behavior that puts pressure on or restricts the other person. We're talking about excessive here, controlling behavior and the compulsive search for validation – not a good indication of trust and emotional intimacy between two people. A vicious circle arises in which you unintentionally work towards this through your behavior because you are so worried about the end of the relationship. You work against your partner and against the relationship. Something similar happens with the Manhattan effect.

Fear of loss doesn't just happen. They can result from past experiences, but of course they can also arise from certain behaviors. For example, jealousy is definitely justified if the other person is constantly flirting with others and testing their own boundaries. In the Manhattan effect, the trigger for fear of loss is a decision that one person makes, but for which the other person then suffers. The prime example of this is moving to another city because a new professional opportunity opens up there. Said person doesn't want to miss this and and that, even if that means a long-distance relationship for the partnership. The other person cannot cope with this decision at all and does not want to go ahead with the move - also because of fear of loss. That's why she refuses to support her partner and begins to work against the person and thus against the relationship. Simply because she doesn't agree with the impact that the other person's decision has on the relationship.

The Manhattan effect describes a psychological phenomenon in which one person in a relationship opposes the other person's decision because they are afraid it will endanger the relationship. But that means you can also do thatIf it gets in the other person's way, you accept it - and that's exactly what makes the Manhattan effect so dangerous. It was based on the Woody Allen filmManhattannamed because the protagonist Isaac doesn't want his girlfriend Tracy to do a semester abroad outside of New York. He stands in the way of her dreams because he's afraid of a potential breakup. The tensions that arise due to this are called the Manhattan effect. You prevent the other person from developing freely. In a healthy partnership you should always support each other. If you don't do this, you not only weaken your self-confidence - after all, the other person may not find it easy with a supposed move - but you also deprive the relationship of one of its most important values: trust. That leads to manyand negative emotions, so that there is a risk of becoming increasingly distant from each other. So you should leave it alone.

The Manhattan effect is more widespread than one would think. As part of a US study, researchers were able to find that the support of the other person in relationships increasingly decreases if their decisions could endanger the relationship. The greater the fear of loss, the more often there is a tendency to restrict partners. This is pretty unfair of the person who no longer supports their loved one. Ultimately, it stands in the way of self-realization. But of course it always depends on what and how the decision is made. If you are simply presented with a fait accompli and are not included in itInvolved, this can of course be painful and offend the other person. That's why it's also important that both parties try to avoid the Manhattan effect. We have put together a few tips.

In a partnership you should always support each other and treat each other respectfully and honestly. Since this foundation is often damaged by the Manhattan effect, it is important to recognize it early and take action to combat it. Otherwise, resentment (e.g. “You’re leaving me alone here” vs. “You’re standing in the way of my dreams”) quickly becomes a relationship killer. Talking to each other is the be-all and end-all when making important decisions. If a person receives a professional offer in another city, they should address and discuss it openly in the relationship. The other person should respond just as openly and express their perceived concerns. Including the partner in important decision-making is important for this. You should be open to compromise and take other people's concerns seriously. Only then can the problems associated with the Manhattan effect be avoided. The decision often cannot be shaken. If a person makes a decision for themselves, then you have to accept it, no matter how you feel about it. Yes, express concerns, but also accept them if the person still sticks to their will. Nobody should make the decision about their professional future solely dependent on the wishes of their partner. This will also happen to Nick and CharlieHeartstopper still have to make a difficult decision, which will be the focus of the next season. We believe that in a healthy relationship there should be room for the needs of both people and that everything can always be reconciled somehow. Let's hope that Nick and Charlie see it that way and that their relationship doesn't fall victim to the Manhattan effect.