Breaking off contact with parents: This is how you distance yourself from your toxic relatives
Even before usIn order to be able to build ourselves up and put together our chosen family, we depend on the love and affection of our blood family. Starting with ours, which in our first years of life are responsible for ensuring that we do not accidentally eat anything that could potentially kill us, to, aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins and many more. Ideally, we can learn a lot from them, count on support and ourselveslet. Unfortunately, this is not the reality for many people.
Family constellations can be incredibly variable and, unfortunately, in some cases quite sotoxic.And even though it may seem harsh and excessive to some, there is no way around it, out of self-protectionContactto the familyto cancel,to prioritize your own mental health and not let it suffer (anymore). With which onesYou might think about this step, what defines a toxic family and how you can actually break off contact, we'll explain to you here.
Breaking off contact with parents: Very painful, but sometimes unfortunately necessary
Of course, breaking off contact with the family is no walk in the park and should be carefully thought out. And some who grew up in a harmonious environment may not understand this idea so well. Unfortunately, the reality looks a little different. Some of us grew up in pretty toxic families and negative circumstances and continue to struggle with this well into adulthood.
It is all the more positive to see that more and more attention is being paid to breaking off contact with parents and family to protect one's own health and as a kind of self-protection.so, is controlled. Fortunately, there is now a lot more information about it- whether to others or to yourself - reported. We now perceive our friendly and family environment very differently and often discard them when we notice that this person is simply not good for us. Of course it's not nice to banish people from your life - but sometimes it's a step that's necessary to prioritize yourself.
When does it make sense to break off contact with the family?
Each of us definitely has at least one family member, whether a parent or a little further away, who has these incredibly unpleasant and unpleasant things every time we meetasks questions. Even worse: when he/she actually knows that you are triggered by certain topics and still puts your finger in the wound. Sensitivity? None.
There can be a variety of reasons why you should break off contact with your family, father or mother - everyone defines “toxic” differently. Breaking off contact with one's own parents is particularly painful: While the father is primarily a figure of identification for masculine values, all people are biologically attached to their mother - after all, she carried us for nine months. This form of breaking off contact is certainly the most painful, but sometimes absolutely necessary for self-protection. Because at some point we all stand on our own two feet, no longer owe our producers anything and can make decisions thanks to our free will.
Maybe you are still unsure whether you should really take this step. Here we have summarized a few general reasons for which breaking off contact is definitely justified. In addition, there are of course many individual points that justify this consideration.
1. You are or were exposed to psychological or physical violence
The most obvious point at the beginning: Have you suffered from this person verbally or physicallyIf you have to suffer, breaking off contact is more than plausible. Thisis anything but normal or okay and should not be accepted as such. Your own sensitivity is also important when it comes to “small” attacks that others may find okay in a family context. If one of your personal boundaries has been exceeded and your psychological or physical well-being has been compromised, this step is necessary.
2. He:she badmouths your every move
Picture this: you're excitedly telling your dad, mom, uncle, or aunt about your new baby, which you have worked towards for so long. Instead of being happy with you, he:she just wrinkles his nose and asks you why you don't do this or that instead - after all, that would be morebring in. Suddenly your euphoria is gone and what remains is a feeling of disappointment. Does this sound familiar to you in any way? Then you should consider whether you want to continue to tolerate this person's negative energy in your life.
3. You are constantly patronized
As an adult, there is hardly anything worse than not being seen at eye level by other people. This is the case in many families when relatives have known you since you were born and can never really get the image of you as a child out of their head. This also affects how they interact with you. In their eyes, you are not a responsible adult who makes your own decisions and stands behind them when something doesn't go as planned. Instead, they deny you all of this and treat you with a lack of respect. This is also a reason for wanting to break off contact with the family.
4. You are not accepted by your family
Often it is your own sexuality, but sometimes it is also politics or religion: If you are not accepted in your family because of your identity, it is often not unreasonable to break off contact. What is initially perceived as internalized hatred can also develop into dislike of the family. Especially queer children who are raised by their gay or gay parentsare then often forced to break off contact with the family completely - also for self-protection. Conversations are only of limited help here if your ownis presented as something “wrong” by parents.
You should keep these things in mind when cutting off contact with your parents
Of course, breaking off contact within your own family works very differently depending on your relationship with the person in question. Depending on how often you see each other or interact, it can be easier or more difficult to turn your back on someone. That's why we'll give you a few general tips on how best to proceed if you break off contact with certain family members.
1. Personal conversation or just ghosting?
This is a question that needs to be answered differently from case to case. There is no general answer because every relationship is unique. What also plays a very important role is the reason for your desire to break off contact with this person. If a form of psychological or physical boundary crossing has actually taken place, you absolutely have to listen to what your feelings are telling you. Don't force yourself to confront this family member again if you don't feel up to it - which is completely understandable.
In this case, you can try to avoid this person until you have the strength for this type of behaviorhave. Whatever you have to take into account: This person probably won't react to this message in a particularly positive or understanding way at first. Unless you feel ready to withstand this headwind, give it some time.
Sending a letter can also be a good option. Unlike fast-paced text messages, this forces us to really take time to listen to what we have written and engage with it.
2. Formulate clearly what you feel like and what you want
No matter which route it takesyou go: Avoid misunderstandings by clearly communicating what's going on. Put your cards on the table and prepare for a confrontation so that you can stand your ground and not stumble. Come up with clear sentences such as: “I don’t want any more contact with you” that are unambiguous. Very important: You don't have to justify your decision and feelings to anyone. Don't let the family member ask you for a reason or question your reasoning. It is better to end communication early and remove yourself from the situation. As long as you have formulated your wish to break off contact neutrally, without being insulting or abusive, you have nothing more to add.
3. Get professional support to deal with the loss of contact
No offense, but unfortunately the conversation with the respective family member isn't enough. Be prepared to possibly be involvedor other thoughts to struggle with. Of course this doesn't have to happen, but it can happen.
The good thing: There are actually some that specialize in exactly thator self-help groups to better cope with the loss of a relative due to loss of contact. They can accompany you through the entire process and give you the best possible support to put your mental health first again.
How do you break off contact with your parents?
There are basically two ways you can break off contact with your parents. Depending on what triggered your decision, one way or the other is better. But only you can make this decision alone.
1. Slow loss of contact
You don't live at home anymore anyway? If you have already had several conversations with your parents about what bothers you and what you would like to change in your relationship, and still nothing changes - then gradually breaking off contact may make sense. You contact us less and less, maybe cancel Christmas because you're celebrating somewhere else, and slowly move away from your parents' lives. If you ask questions, you can of course be honest that you have already tried to change something in discussions and it doesn't help.
2. Complete loss of contact
Especially if emotional or physical abuse was involved, the safest option is perhaps to break off contact quickly and abruptly. Here you should find clear words and set your boundaries: You don't want any more contact at all. Discussions are out of place at this point.
With these tips you can (perhaps) avoid breaking off contact with your parents
Before you make the final and irrevocable cut with your parents, you should ask yourself: Is breaking off contact really the last resort or would it perhaps be enough to clearly distance yourself from your family and parents? And if so, how do you best achieve this distancing?
To do this, you should seek conversation, perhaps one last time for a long time: clearly communicate what you feel, how you feel about it, why you want or need to distance yourself - and also that you see the complete break in contact as a last resort. Be honest and, if this is the case, regret that you are considering such harsh steps. Parents or family members often make such considerations out of nowhere. So give your family time to think about it. Think together about whether a family therapist can help repair your relationship.
If your honest considerations already turn into arguments, withdraw - then distance or breaking off contact may unfortunately really be the right step for your mental health and your own life.
Possible tips for rapprochement after breaking off contact with parents
Once you have completely broken with your parents or your own family, you will undoubtedly be sad - this bond is usually too close to be broken just like that. Sleep disorders, depressive moods or depression or an increased feeling of loneliness can occur before you feel settled again and finally free and self-determined.
But once you have experienced and processed all these feelings, you can consciously deal with them: self-reflection is the magic word for everyone involved. And then even after the worst break in contact, rapprochement is possible again. To do this, however, both sides must reflect and act on the desire to get closer or improve contact. To do this you have to get closer, talk to each other honestly and a lot, throw some beliefs overboard and think anew.
After a strict break in contact, this will be a lengthy (but usually also worthwhile) process. It is important that we respect each other and express this respect with words. In addition - and this is not so easy - you have to be prepared to let some things from the past rest once and for all. And exactly not to take them out of the box again the next time there is a dispute. Getting closer after distancing or completely breaking off contact is a lengthy and anything but easy undertaking; especially because there is no guarantee that, despite all efforts, both sides will now understand each other and that the old wounds have really healed. But the same applies here: It's better to try it out once - if only to reassure yourself and your own karma that you've honestly tried it.
Experiences of people without contact with their parents
You can never know beforehand how a break in contact will resultor other family members will look like. There are hundreds of different reasons why a child may separate from the adults in their family. And maybe you don't actually know anyone in your environment who has taken this step.
January 2023 brought the series“37 degrees of life”ZDF broadcasts a program about children who no longer have contact with their parents. Here you see the lives of threewho, for a variety of reasons, have broken off contact with their parents and thus mostly all contact with their family. You can find out how they feel and whether they have feelings of guilt or something similar in the 27-minute episode.“Breaking with parents”is the name of the strong episode and is available in the ZDF media library.
