Arguments in the relationship: According to the couple therapist, you should never ask this one question
Imagine a couple sitting together on a Friday eveningtogether and is finally happy after a long week at workto spend. Partner A looks at his cell phone in the middle of the conversation. Partner B is immediately annoyed and says something like: "I don't like it when we're always interrupted by cell phones." The other person feels attacked, maybe they think that they rarely look at their cell phone, and they immediately criticize you. The reaction: “When was the last time I did that?” And it is precisely with this question that the conversation goes down the drain. Couples therapist Jeff Guenther explains to us why.
Anyone who responds to criticism with provocative questions risks conflict? and a closed partner
The question seems completely justified at first. Especially if Partner A believes that the complaint is exaggerated and the situation that Partner B criticized is an exception. According to couples therapist Jeff Guenther, how often this situation that annoyed Partner B arises is not at all important for such a dispute situation? and the question of further examples may be the trigger for a conversationescalated. Because: It forms fronts!
“When someone accuses you of doing something that is hurtful, it is natural to want to defend yourself. But putting your partner in the position of having to prove it can quickly lead to a spiral of "I'm right and you're wrong." which is actually always an obstacle to emotional connection and reconciliation? explains Guenther.
In addition, with this type of evidence, are you showing your partner that you are not taking the criticism presented seriously? which can have long-term consequences for relationship communication. Because anyone who reacts directly with this proactive counter-question runs the risk that their partner will close down the next time something bothers them. "If you look for evidence, the conversation becomes a debate about details rather than an opportunity to understand each other's emotional experiences," says Guenther.
This means that behind the criticism there is usually an expression of need that can help to understand the partner better. For our dinner scenario, this means: If partner A had not reacted directly with defensiveness, he:she might have recognized that behind partner B's criticism was primarily a strong desire for undivided attention.
And this principle applies in all possible relationship situations in which one person points out a problem in his or her behavior, whether it's about the household,or raising children.
Disputes in a relationship: This is how to respond correctly to criticism
So how can you respond better? Guenther suggests focusing on curiosity: "Remember that this is someone you care about, and they are communicating some form of pain to you," he explains. In such a moment of criticism, the priority should be to make the other person feel heard and supported instead of making a big defensive gesture about yourself.
