Heated verbal battles between parents and their growing child are not uncommon. The teenager is demanding new freedoms and we parents are unsure about what we can allow and trust him with.
It is very difficult for us to let go of the child that was just a teenager. And it's even harder for us to let go of the close relationship we've had up until now. Because from today on, mom and dad are no longer the most important people in his life.
While we still perceive our teenager as a child because he behaves like one from time to time and makes very unwise decisions, he himself already feels like an adult. He demands more freedom and wants to be treated like an adult.
This often creates moments in which our different ideas and perceptions collide and arguments arise. We parents believe that we have to intervene for the good of the child. Much to the displeasure of the teenager, who wants to sort things out on his own. And then, unfortunately, it often happens that we say and do things that we shouldn't. Because instead of helping our children, we are disrupting their trust and relationship with ourselves.
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Phrases that parents should avoid when living with a teenager are the following:
You're lazy.
Teens' changing behavior is often what enrages parents. Suddenly the children withdraw, sleep more and longer and when they do leave their room, it is only to meet up with friends. Previous school performance can also decline in the peak phase of puberty (between 14 and 16 years). And helping out around the house never seems to have been more difficult for them. Reason enough for parents to accuse their child of laziness.
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But the common thing is that teenagers embrace this label. If we tell parents often enough that our child is lazy, sooner or later he or she will believe it. “My parents expect me not to do or achieve XY, then I won’t do it either.”
The thing about puberty is that it is incredibly stressful for children. Both physically and mentally. There are so many processes going on in his brain and body at the same time that it is completely normal for a teenager to need more time for themselves. This often has nothing to do with laziness.
In order not to lose contact with the child, parents should be sensitive and encourage their child positively. Arrangements should be made together, from rest periods to household services. Giving the child responsibility and making concessions is the balancing act for parents of a pubescent teenager.
Why aren't you like your sister/brother?
Comparisons tell a person that the way they are is not sufficient or right. Comparisons with other, supposedly better, more hardworking or more intelligent people eat away at self-confidence and also fuel negative feelings towards the other person.
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So instead of comparing or comparing ourselves to others, we should let our teenager realize what makes them special and perhaps unique. We should therefore praise him or her and praise him even more when he or she does something well or enjoys doing something or is particularly hard-working.
I'm disappointed in you
Being told by a loved one that you have disappointed them is probably one of the most terrible feelings you can experience. You feel guilty and ashamed. For a teenager who is already disoriented and emotionally confused, such a sentence from their parents can literally pull the rug out from under them. Because his parents should actually be his safe haven, his constant.
Instead of hearing accusations, a teenager who confides in his parents wants help above all. This is why he or she contacted the parents in the first place. Therefore, parents and teens should discuss together what led to the problem and try to find a solution together.
In a few years it won't matter anymore
The first heartbreak, the first really bad grade, a fight with your best friend, life is full of first big disappointments. All the emotions a child or teenager feels can be overwhelming.
As parents, we quickly want to emotionally support our child and then say something like, “In a few years it won’t matter anymore.” We think we can calm down and maybe even cheer up our sad or angry child. Instead, such a sentence conveys, “What you feel is not right, exaggerated and not important.” It dismisses feelings instead of conveying compassion.
The same applies to the sentence:
You're exaggerating!
There are countless situations that don't seem bad to our adult eyes. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t for our teenager. By saying, “You’re exaggerating!”, we even ridicule our child’s feelings.
It's better to just listen and maybe hold the child. And even better if you try to understand the feelings and convey to your child that it is okay to have these feelings. Otherwise, it can happen that a teenager completely closes himself off and just makes things up with himself.
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You're too young to understand that
Even small children can understand complex issues if they are explained to them in an age-appropriate manner. Telling someone they are too young to understand something is actually a way of saying your opinion on the subject doesn't matter (to me). Parents belittle their teenager when they deny their opinion or thoughts on a topic. It even implicitly resonates that “you’re too stupid for that.”
This can be very detrimental to a teenager's self-confidence and cause the child to become withdrawn. So let's listen to what our children have to say and explain it to them accordingly if he or she doesn't (correctly) understand something.
You're already too old for that
If we parents could protect our children from all the suffering and evil in the world, we probably would. At least that's often the motivation behind a sentence like, "You're already too old for that." If the teenager wants to go out in an unconventional outfit or pursues a hobby that we parents think might look strange to other people, we tend to talk them out of it before something (negative) happens. We want to protect them because we think someone might make fun of them because of it.
Instead of protecting the child from negative experiences, we are the ones who make the child feel bad or ashamed with such a statement. At this moment we take away the fun and joy of something.
I'll take care of it.
It's hard as a parent to let go and let the child do their thing. Especially when it tells you about problems or mistakes it has made. After all, everything has been taken care of over the past few years.
But for the parent-child relationship and the child's self-confidence, it is important that you trust him and let him do his thing. Or wait until it asks for help. And even then you shouldn't take everything on yourself, but rather look for solutions together with the child.
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Something important at the end:This article is not intended to put more pressure on parents than they already feel. Nobody is perfect and all parents make mistakes.
Always remember that you grow together. As your child learns to grow up, you learn to be a parent to a child who is growing up. And those who learn also make mistakes. Always let your child know that you are always there, ready to help them if they need help. Let it know that you love it unconditionally and that it can trust you with anything without being judged or even punished.
So you will go through puberty together and overcome all difficulties, big and small.
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