You get a birthday present for your mother-in-law, right? You probably have your children's schedule in mind too. And bet you also know how the printer works in the office? You may even be the first responder on the floor because no one else reported it. Why the hell do we women feel responsible for everything?
Author Katharina Pommer's new book explores this question: "Not my circus, not my monkeys- from mental load and people pleaser to self-determination and setting boundaries: How you learn to stop feeling responsible for everything"
As a mother of five, a lecturer and an entrepreneur, she has experienced in her own life how overwhelming and at the same time invisible this responsibility can be. But not only her personal experience, but also her conversations with numerous women who are mastering similar challenges as everything managers have inspired her to question these dynamics.
In the interview she explains how women can reduce their burden and at the same time do morecan practice without feeling selfish. A conversation about invisible burdens, changing gender roles and the vision of a sustainable society.
Why is it often us women who take responsibility and manage everything?
Katharina Pommer: These patterns have deep roots – historical, social, familial. Already after the French Revolution, when many households had to do without servants, women were stylized as the 'manager of family life'. She was responsible for harmony, organization and the emotional well-being of the family. This role model has left its mark on our society and continues to influence us today. With my book I would like to encourage women to question these patterns. It's not about fighting against something, but rather understanding why we often feel responsible for everything - and how we can let go of some burdens. Women can learn to give up responsibility.
Why are the things that women do every day not seen, not appreciated?
Many people take care work for granted because it remains 'invisible'. We often think that this work is 'just there' - like breathing room. It is the foundation on which so much else is built. Historically, care work was never perceived as 'real work'. It was considered a woman's moral duty - the ideal of the caring, harmony-preserving woman was already drawn in ancient times. These cultural roots reach into modern times and influence how we view care work: as an unrecognizable duty, a kind of accessory to female existence.
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The stress feels much greater today than it used to. Our mothers and grandmothers didn't have disposable diapers or washer-dryer combos...
The achievements of the women of that time deserve our respect and we should in no way belittle them. However, the requirements today are fundamentally different. Many women face the challenge of being mothers, career women and partners at the same time - in a society that is becoming increasingly faster, more digital and more complex. This long-term stress cannot be compared one-to-one with the circumstances at the time.
In addition, overwork is not just an individual problem, but has profound social effects. Balancing family and work is still a struggle for many women - and this affects decisions such as family planning. The growing decline in birth rates is an alarm signal for this.
Of course, every woman is free to decide not to have children, and that is an important expression of her self-determination. My aim is not to question this choice, but rather to design the framework conditions in such a way that no one has to decide against having children because of excessive demands or structural hurdles. This is not about a wealth problem or 'complaining at a high level', but about the question of how we as a society create structures that relieve the burden on women and men equally and value care work. This is the only way we can find a balance that meets the challenges of our time.
What does it do to us women in the long term to constantly be in the role of “everything manager”?
The consequences are serious and well-documented: women who consistently assume the role of 'manager of everything' risk their mental and physical health. Studies show that women are about twice as likely as men to be affected by stress-related illnesses such as burnout. In Germany alone, 44% of working women said they had suffered from mental exhaustion.
Chronic stress caused by constant 'mental load' - the invisible work that consists of planning, organizing and emotional management - can lead to sleep disorders, depression and cardiovascular diseases in the long term. A practical example: Imagine a woman coming home after an eight-hour day at work and immediately moving on to the next 'shift' - preparing dinner, doing homework with the children, organizing birthday presents. This stress usually remains invisible, but can lead to chronic excessive demands over the years.
What is often forgotten: This role is not a 'character trait', but the result of centuries of social influence.
You say that women often take on tasks for which they are considered “particularly predestined”.
An example that many people know is the organization of celebrations such as Christmas. Women often take on all the planning: from the gifts to the decorations to the food - in addition to their already busy everyday lives. Another example is the assumption that women are 'the better parent'. But a good childhood companion is not characterized by their gender, but rather by their ability to respond sensitively to a child's needs. And that is exactly what requires that you have sufficient resources and spaces for relaxation - regardless of gender.
Where does that come from?
This stereotypical thinking often arises from the unconscious assumption that women are 'better' at taking on such tasks. It is a pattern that has crept into many families and is often only noticed when women consciously set boundaries. But there are also positive developments: In more and more families, work is now shared between partners, which, according to studies, leads to less stress and more satisfaction. However, such examples have so far been the exception: According to the German Institute for Economic Research (DIW), women in Germany continue to carry around two thirds of the unpaid care work. This includes not only cooking or cleaning, but also the mental preparatory work, the so-called ''. It is precisely these invisible tasks that are not perceived as work, but they put enormous strain on women.
It is all the more important that we question these patterns together. It's not about distributing blame, but rather creating awareness: care work is a task that should be better shared - not only to relieve women's burdens, but also to promote a more cooperative and balanced way of life for everyone.
The invisible work that women do holds our society together - but it is hardly noticed.
Catherine Pommer
How can we as a society value this work more and make it visible?
The first step is to name this work and acknowledge that it cannot be taken for granted. The invisible work that women do holds our society together - and yet it is hardly noticed. We have to make them visible, whether in partnerships, in companies or in politics. At the same time, we should create structures that distribute this work fairly, for example through flexible working time models or a fairer distribution of parental leave.
How can women escape this pattern?
Many women try to do everything at once - and end up feeling burnt out. As a psychologist, I often see that women no longer feel their own needs because they are so focused on those of others. A first step is to prioritize and ask yourself: 'Do I really have to do this?' or 'Can I give this away?'. It's not about being selfish, but rather finding a healthy and stable balance between caring for others and caring for yourself.
What do you think the future looks like? Is there hope for a rethink in society or do women have to continue to bear the burden of “taking care of everything” – including themselves?
I am convinced that we are at a turning point - not just in terms of gender roles, but overall in how we organize our society and what values we prioritize.
A revolutionary approach would be to completely rethink care work and see it as a central social task. Let's imagine that we have a system in which all forms of care work - from childcare to caring for relatives to volunteer work - are rewarded not only morally but also economically. For example, we could develop a model in which care work is included in the pension calculation, similar to what is already being implemented in Scandinavian countries. Or a tax-free basic salary for everyone who can prove that they do care work, regardless of whether they do it in a family or professional context. Such measures would send a strong signal: your work counts. Your contribution is essential.
I also believe that a better distribution of care work not only relieves the burden on women, but also gives men new opportunities. Studies show that men who are actively involved in care work experience stronger bonds with their children and higher life satisfaction. So we could create a culture in which care and responsibility are no longer seen as a burden but as a privilege.
Ultimately, it's about more than just relief. It's about recognizing people's worth. When someone feels that their work – be it as a mother, father, caregiver or teacher – is truly valued, something crucial arises: a sense of self-efficacy and meaning. And that's exactly what we need to strengthen social cohesion in difficult times. Because those who feel valued become more actively involved, feel part of a larger community and contribute to the stability of society.
Self-care is the basis for being there for others in the long term.
Catherine Pommer
How could “care work” be distributed more fairly between the genders?
Distributing care work fairly begins with education. Children should learn from the start that caring is not tied to gender. In partnerships, it helps to divide tasks clearly and talk regularly about whether the balance is still right. And at a societal level, we need models that involve men more in responsibility - such as parental leave for fathers, which doesn't just exist on paper.
How do you as a woman manage to distance yourself and feel less responsible?
The most important thing is to understand that differentiation is not a weakness, but a strength. It means consciously sharing responsibility and taking yourself as seriously as others. Many women are afraid of being seen as 'selfish'. But self-care is the foundation of being there for others in the long term. In my book I show how to start with small steps - be it saying no or handing over tasks. It's a process, but it's worth it.
