Strategic incompetence: How it keeps women down in relationships - and how you can recognize and combat “weaponized incompetence”.
“You are in the process of choosingfor our families simply much better than me”, “Whenever I load the dishwasher, the glasses are not washed properly” or “Folding laundry is simply not my forte”: do you recognize such sentences from your partner’s mouth? Then there is a good chance that you will regularly fall victim to a phenomenon known as weaponized incompetence.
Yes, you read that right: Here, a person's alleged incompetence is used as a weapon, often even as a means to manipulate the other person. This can happen intentionally, but it doesn't have to, like a psychotherapist in theTimeexplained. This could also be learned behavior that has simply never been reflected upon.
The concept of strategic incompetence was already introduced in 1986Harvard Business Reviewmentioned – back then in a work context. Today it is often discussed with regard to heterosexual relationships: The whole thing describes the fact that some people pretend not to be able to do a certain task, put it off for an indefinite amount of time or do it deliberately poorly so that they don't have to do it (or no longer do it). .
This is where it goesmostly about pretty mundane things like household to-dos. Because that's the point: Strategic incompetence rarely has anything to do with the fact that the task in question is really too difficult or complicated. TheRelationship coach John Kennysays in an interview that “Weaponized Incompetence” is a passive-aggressive way of getting someone to do something you don’t want to do yourself. And the perpetrators here are usually male, says Kenny.
In heterosexual relationships the whole thing takes on another problematic dimension: there, i.e. taking care of the family, children or household, is already predominantly done by women, the strategy of weaponized incompetence only solidifies and worsens these unfair, outdated and, above all, sexist structures. Many men use learned patterns to more or less consciously shirk their responsibility to do their part.
There are various attempts to explain what could be behind the use of strategic incompetence in the debate: On the one hand, there is the sexist assumption that women are “naturally” better at everything that has to do with household and care. Born nest makers! On the other hand, it can of course also be the case (in case of doubt for the defendants) that the supposedly incompetents never had to take on responsibility in their privileged childhood and youth and therefore did not learn how certain household tasks work. Fair enough, now it's about time.
What can I do about strategic incompetence in my relationship?
“Maybe he really isn't very good at this one thing, it's definitely just an isolated case, I'll just do the dishes quickly myself.”: If we become victims of weaponized incompetence, it can be difficult to recognize and categorize at first. These incidents are becoming more frequent and your partners are repeatedly avoiding activities that they are clearly capable of under the pretext of incompetence, but your alarm bells should definitely ring because then it is a pattern.
According to experts, there is only one thing that helps here (and no, we don't mean cleaning up after your partner and simply doing everything yourself): address the whole thing in an adult and sensible way to express how you feel about it. And to see whether the other person is even aware of this behavior. Such conversations work best using examples and concrete situations to clearly illustrate what you are trying to achieve. Particularly important: Despite your frustration, make sure that you also keep an open ear for the reasons behind the possible strategic incompetence of your counterpart - perhaps your partner was simply not aware of this behavior.
Regardless of whether the whole thing happens unintentionally or intentionally, in order for something to change, a relationship needs to define shared goals, boundaries and expectations that can help end this predicament once and for all. Set up a fair plan that clearly regulates who will complete which task, when, and who will be responsible for which area. And if it turns out that your partner really didn't know how to load a dishwasher: show them. Then you can do it now.
