Sarah, you say that the ADHD diagnosis was live changing for you. Why exactly?
“The single biggest problem for people who are neurodivergent is self-loathing. Even as a small child you are told that you are somehow strange, too loud, too fast, just concentrate! Oh, how hard can it be? Or: Sarah, you could do so much more than what you do! Everything I’ve heard.”
ADHD: Typical symptoms of attention deficit disorder
You were prominent relatively early on. What else should you do?
“There is always something that parents want to be different. It's more about feeling bad all the time. There is always this feeling: Something is strange with me. I made a job out of it, I just accidentally, subconsciously made it easy for myself and thought: Okay, talking fast and being sharp in the head is all I can do, come on, I'll make money from this.
But there are people who have completely normal jobs and are still as 'crazy' as me. I notice this regularly when people respond to my videos with 'I cried' or 'Wow, you describe me exactly' and 'Oh God, I finally don't feel alone anymore'.
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That's the point: you feel alone and like a weirdo in your body, in your soul, and somehow you try to pretend that you're at least as similar as other people - 'masking' is what it's called. It's so exhausting. Through the diagnosis I knew: Ah, I'm not a bad person at all, but rather my neurotransmitters are a bit messed up or my brain is wired differently.
That's my guess now, it's not a disorder at all, just a human variation. These are the quick ones, the smart ones, the ones who pay close attention, the ones who see everything, they were also needed at the campfire back then, some clean the mushrooms and the others, the hunters, have to be sensitive to stimuli, they lie by the fire at night and keep watch.”
Through the diagnosis I knew: Ah, I'm not a bad person at all, but rather my neurotransmitters are a bit messed up, my brain is wired differently.
Sarah Kuttner
So you're a hunter?
“Yes, I am the hunter, I have a Ferrari brain, my brain is incredibly fast. I can read a room in seconds because I'm simply sensitive to stimuli. I hear and see things that others don't notice, a super power! But all of this makes you think there's something wrong with me.
The diagnosis was the best thing: Now it makes sense. At the time I failed a very important exam for me as a dog trainer and I was so confused about it because I knew how good I was at it and yet it didn't work. That was very strange.
After the exam I said: Sorry, I don't understand what's happening here because I had all the knowledge. But they asked differently. At the second test, I already knew my diagnosis and told them in advance and wrote a super unprofessional, long email to the district office: 'Here's what I haveADHD, that means I learn differently, I can access knowledge differently.
It's important that you keep this on my radar for me. You have to help me take this test.' And then I passed with 98 percent. The examiner texted me afterwards and said that I would be a very empathetic dog trainer.”
Have you ever been angry with your brain?
“I’m constantly mad at my brain. I still have these problems with people. People who find me stressful, who find me too much, too loud, too fast. It doesn’t stop you constantly feeling like you have to say: I really don’t mean any harm.”
For example, a 45-minute meeting with friends would be perfectly fine for you.
"Exactly. But explain that to someone. Friends are sad when you want to leave after an hour, but then I can't do it anymore because I've absorbed so many stimuli in that time and I'm trying to do oneso goodto be girlfriend. Or even one right nowso goodto give an interview. That costs.
That's me, and that gives me dopamine, but it costs more than other people. After an hour and a half I'm done, and then I have a hangover the next day. This is really called a social hangover, not from drinking, but from being there, being present. Am I functioning, can everyone like me enough? I need a break the next day.”
How do you do this with your husband?
“He also has ADHD, which is helpful because we try to laugh at each other. You have more understanding for each other. I just focus more on the topic and always try to find solutions on how to make things that you have to do but don't want to do better and easier. This works.
are more difficult because people don't understand that you don't have that much energy to see each other regularly. People with ADHD are constantly exhausted from 'acting normal' or whatever. I’m constantly tired, I actually want to go home all the time.”
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You don't seem tired at all.
"Because I'm 'on' and I'm a professional, but what I really want to do is lie in bed and have a smoke."
With that in mind, you've had a pretty great career. Don't you think so?
“Maybe precisely because everything that was my job never felt strenuous to me. For example, I wrote my book in just two months. I then do one thing completely because I knew that if I spent any longer with it, I would get bored, with myself, with the book. I have to shoot through now.”
How does it help that you share your symptoms with your followers?
“That they recognize each other. The biggest effect is being seen. I didn't study medicine, so I definitely say wrong things or, above all, often generalize things. Basically I just think out loud and record it straight away.”
Two million people are affected in Germany. Does it annoy you when some people refer to it as a “fad”?
“'Me too' wasn't a fad, but someone finally said out loud: 'Look out, that's what happened', and then the others dared to say, oh, you can say that out loud, it happened to me too . It was the same with depression, it was considered a fashion thing 30 years ago.”
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Are you taking medication?
“Yes, they help with this severe lack of motivation. But actually this only improves one symptom. With Ritalin I can concentrate better and, above all, I have more energy and can get through things better. But of course there is also the risk of not noticing when you should actually be resting. I had burnout at the beginning of the year.”
What would help you and the other affected people the most, what can change society?
"Understanding. If you can spend time with me, then that is a real proof of love, because I actually just want to be alone with myself. When you have people who love you, not just tolerate you, but who appreciate that you're so cool on some level, that helps.
There are people who say: It can't all be ADHD! That's no excuse for us either. But it's an explanation, that's a difference! We are often treated as if we want to talk ourselves out of it in the sense of 'Yes, there's no other way, I have ADHD', but that's not what we mean, we just want understanding in the sense of 'my brain can't do anything else'.
A person with ADHD just wants to be themselves, they want to sit on the floor and sort screws by size when they should be loading the dishwasher. And we need someone who doesn't say: 'Oh, can you please now', but instead asks: 'Should I help you or should I throw up more screws', because that would satisfy me to close even more screws have things that can be sorted.”
I wish you lots of screws.
"Thank you very much. That’s a very nice ending: I wish you lots of screws.”
(You can also find further medical information about ADHD on theHealth portal onmeda.de.)
This interview originally appeared on our sister portal as part of FFF DayEdition F. Author: Yvonne Weiß, editor: Anne-Kathrin Heier.
