Stupid as a strategy: How "Weaponized Incompetence" has a negative impact on relationships

I have to confess something to you ... I have intentionally stunned myself in order not to have to do a task. I particularly like to do this when I travel with my boyfriend in a foreign city. He can just read the navigation system much better than I do; And he is definitely fun too! I like to switch off my head and run afterwards.

I am probably not alone with this behavior. Probably almost everyone has already consciously or unconsciously used this strategy - be it to give itself to the washing machine à la "You have your very special technology, do you prefer to press it" or conveniently tach technical problems To pass on someone else. In the same way we probably know it from the other side: you ask someone for help, but suddenly the simplest task seems inexplicably complicated.

This phenomenon has a name: "Weaponized incompetence", ie strategic incompetence. One person is intentionally unable to get rid of an unpleasant task - often with success. Sometimes it is a harmless trick, sometimes it develops into an unspoken pattern. In the worst case, relationships in the work, friendship or romantic context are burdened.

The couple therapist Andrea Bräu knows this behavior too well from her meetings. She explains: “There is not always evil will. Sometimes couples have agreed that everyone in certain areas remains incompetent ' - a pattern that can be comfortable as long as it does not lead to frustration.

It becomes problematic when a page feels disadvantaged by this imbalance and turns out to be the division of tasks as a power game. Because let's be honest: Most unpleasant tasks usually don't necessarily have anything to do with skill.

How to recognize "Weaponized Incompetence" is therefore quite simple. Ms. Bräu explains that an adult is fundamentally able to follow a task after being shown once or twice. Anyone who still specifies "simply not being able to" not want to draw attention to a more fundamental problem: "I have already experienced it with couples that one wanted to choke one to the other. He just wanted to demonstrate his power and smuggled his black sock into the white laundry every time. This is passive-aggressive behavior, so you should definitely look for the conversation and ask yourself what is actually going on. ”

As with most problems, the solution is: communication. However, the couple therapist advises not to join the conversation with an accusation. Questions like: "What do you need to change something? Should we see the laundry or do it differently? ”, For example.

“I would not start an attack directly - most people close in a reproach. First of all you should be friendly, but at some point the point comes when I can no longer talk around the hot porridge and have to appeal to it. ”

At the same time, it can make sense to question your own expectations: Does everything really have to be done exactly as you think it yourself is right? "This claim that everything has to be the same as you would do it yourself automatically leads to incompetence in the other," explains Andrea Bräu.

Ultimately, it is about responsibility - for your own tasks, but also for fair cooperation. Because while little awkwardness in everyday life can be harmless, it becomes critical when they become a means to avoid uncomfortable duties. And sometimes the head can also do it quite well, says the therapist with a wink: “My best friend always takes over the navigation system when we are on the go, she really works. For this I cook every week at our girls' evening. ”Weaponized incompetence can be okay as long as everyone involved feels comfortable.