Everything should be perfect at Christmas: delicious food, bright children's eyes, good conversations and relaxed hosts. But the mix of high expectations, your own demands and different needs is explosive. And there is potential for conflict. A way out of the looming Christmas mood? Moreindulgence.
What is indulgence – and why is it so good?
Indulgence. The Munich psychotherapist and podcaster Sina Haghiri has a whole lot to do with this beautiful termdedicated: “With Forbearance: How Empathy Can Change Ourselves and Maybe Even the World.” In an interview, he explains how the hardened social interaction of the last few years inspired him to do this. The handling is rougher, the fuses have become shorter. And although everyone suffers from it, they reacted with even more suspicion. “A vicious circle,” says the author. And this is where forbearance comes into play for him: “It works like a balm.” If we manage to concentrate more on the good in our fellow human beings. “Human beings are better than news, true crime and thrillers suggest,” says Haghiri. “Studies show that when things get tough, strangers help each other. Even in life-threatening situations.” This knowledge alone makes the world seem warmer and makes us judge ourselves more leniently under stress.
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But how does forbearance actually work?
The prerequisite is empathy. You have to be able to empathize with the other person. “Forbearance then goes one step further,” says Haghiri. “If you are lenient, you not only put yourself in the shoes of your counterpart, you also react more kindly because you make a mild judgment about their intentions.” In other words: you see human fallibility in your counterpart, which you also know about yourself. An example. The sister traditionally organizes the Christmas party. Despite children, a demanding job... And weeks beforehand she drives everyone crazy with her perfectionism. On the day of the festival she is burnt out and the mood is tense. The forgiving person thinks about it: Is the sister perhaps putting herself through so much effort to compensate for the fact that she doesn't have enough time for the family during the year? And because he recognizes the essence of her actions, he lovingly hugs his sister and does the dishes instead of getting upset about her tension. In addition: “People who judge others harshly often also judge themselves harshly,” says the psychologist. “Maybe not obviously, but at night when they can’t sleep.” Studies show that those who are kind to themselves are more likely to be kind to others.
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And how can we start the holidays more leniently?
“I recommend – like the ancient Stoics – calm pessimism,” says Haghiri. Understand that some things can go wrong. And play through possible unpleasant situations in your head beforehand. Come up with a response that you feel comfortable with. For the grandma who knows everything better when it comes to raising children. Or the uncle who lectures all the time. In a friendly but firm manner, annoying topics can be moderated in a timely manner. And the ambitious sister will be slowed down this year - because the goose is ordered from the delicatessen by family decision...
