“Kinkeeping”: That’s why it’s an extra burden for women – not just on holidays
Oh, Mom: I remember that mineDuring my childhood I called my paternal grandparents almost every day on the phone, arranged family dinners with them, bought their birthday and Christmas presents... Time passed, my parents separated, my father left us and my mother? My mother got an ex-mother-in-law who is almost like a second mother, an ex-sister-in-law who is like a sister, and nephews and nieces who, in sober terms, are not really related to her. In short: My mother never neglected for a day the family responsibilities that were somehow automatically imposed on her - regardless of whether during her marriage or after her divorce.
What I didn’t know was that what she did out of love for her family has its own name in English: “kinkeeping.” In German, this could literally be translated as “guardian of the family.” That sounds cumbersome, but it's accurate: it describes the fact that women normally have an exact overview of what is needed and by whom in a family or what needs to be thought about. But why do women find themselves in this position automatically and not always voluntarily?
In psychology today we speak of the “kinkeeper” as the “social role generally assumed by women to maintain and protect the relationships between family members and friends”. What a beautiful role to be the glue of personal relationships – right?! Yes, in and of itself.
However, this extra task can be particularly important on special occasions - (children's) birthday parties, family get-togethers,approximately. – be another factor that contributes to the psychological stress on women. The fact that women have to take care of everything so that celebrations and birthdays go off without any problems is not a rumor, but a reality. The fact that the success of festivities and everyday family life depends on women and that everyone assumes that they can manage it puts them under even more pressure.
This is how “kinkeeping” is defined, the kinship care that is always carried out by women
To be honest, I hadn't realized until now that the task of “gluing the family together”, which mothers, grandmothers, aunts and generally the women around me have taken on for decades as a matter of course, has a name. By the way, it was the Spanish authorTania Llasera, who discovered this for me personally: In a video on Instagram she talked about how happy she is at family gatherings at the end of the year, but also,–aftershe took care of everything.
No wonder: in order to make every wish (whether it's a gift or food) of every family member come true, we're normally under pressure and as a natural reaction adrenaline, a stress hormone, is pumped into our body. When it's all over and the adrenaline wears off, “Kinkeepers” feel like they've finished a marathon. Or did you previously think that the mom in “Home Alone” had forgotten her child because she was so distracted through life? Or maybe it was because she automatically felt responsible for the food, accommodation and travel of eleven children and four adults?
The job of the "family protector" is to always maintain contact with family members and friends in an unobtrusive, virtually invisible (but no less strenuous) way. Calls, messages, an up-to-date calendar with birthdays and important events... So like my mother reminded her ex-husband when HIS mother's birthday was, thousands of women do the same thing every day.
The “Kinkeeper” not only leads and plans the family celebrations, family dinners or family visits, but also actively participates in them. She knows everyone's living conditions, talks to everyone and, in short, is always there. All this mental effort is oneand leads to tiredness, which turns into exhaustion at times such as around Christmas and the New Year with all its meetings. I also have several “family protectors” in my environment who are so exhausted after the start of the new yearresume.
Of course, “kinkeepers” do not give up their role in their daily lives: Even if “kinkeeping” occurs on a smaller scale than around big holidays and family events, it of course adds to the general psychological stress. It should also be noted: “Kinkeeping” is not the main job of the respective woman, but what she does every day in addition to her normal job - unpaid, without overtime compensation and vacation entitlement.at the next level, if you will.
“Kinkeeping” on holidays: stress level 1000
“Family protectors” are particularly in demand in December:bake,craft,organize, decorate the Christmas tree and conjure up the Christmas feast. But birthdays in the family circle or family gatherings throughout the year are often blamed exclusively on the woman.
It's always stressful, but especially at the end of the year, these extra tasks are extremely tiring: because in addition to all the family Christmas stress, after which you actually have a week's vacation in oneIf you deserve it, you should always be in a great mood and also the annual onejust shoulder like that. Here's the Christmas party, the children are supposed to bring cookies to school, then the tree has to be bought and oh, is there actually enough milk for the holidays (or) in the fridge? Spoiler alert: None of this is easy. And Christmas in particular shouldn't be a one-woman show.
“Kinkeeping”: This is how you as a woman escape the extra mental load
Where is it actually written that women automatically (have to) take on the role of “family protectors”? Simple answer: nowhere. “Kinkeeping” is a direct outgrowth of a patriarchal culture that has limited women to domestic tasks for far too long.
If you haven't thought about who the "Kinkeeper" is in your environment and have now identified her, you should not only thank her and support her in her tasks, but also encourage others to do so. If you have just discovered that you are the “kinkeeper”, then from now on ask for help, delegate large and small tasks, do not burden yourself with additional tasks and learn to say no.
