Processing a separation: Why the idea of breaking up is so toxic - and what the relationship expert says really helps
Who doesn't know the famous “final line”? If oneends, we get this advice again and again and may put ourselves under pressure to finally take it - and with it the confusion, anger, sadness, the one thingentails leaving behind us.
No wonder, after all, we have it in all of our favorite oneslearned exactly the same way: the heroine spends a few days in her pajamas with a huge ice cream sundae in front of the television, but then she has to move on and rushes back to life - often after a final conversation with her ex - in a cheesy montage sequence and cute outfits.
But life is notand according to the relationship expert, a breakup can even be quite self-destructive. You can read about what makes the concept so toxic and how to find a healthier way to get over someone here:
Processing the separation: This is why drawing the line can be a mistake
First of all: A final line can of course mean many things. It can be the moment when we decide to focus on ourselves again after a period of grief. Of course, this is nothing unhealthy per se. And yet, according to a relationship expert, we often make two glaring mistakes when it comes to putting a clear end to our relationshipto want to bring about.
Mistake number 1: If we make the final line dependent on the other person
Terri Orbuch, PhD, sociology professor at Oakland University and author of “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship,” sees a big problem with the final line being that we are often not able to draw the line ourselves – or want others to give us “closure”. “As humans, we want answers to all of our questions in situations that don’t make sense,” says Dr. Orbuch. That’s why we often assume that a final conversation or detailed explanation of the end of each other’s love is necessary to end this curiosity and obsession once and for all.” It is often the case that we don't necessarily feel less sad after a last conversation - and thus make ourselves even more dependent on our ex-partner.
The problem: Most of the time, there is usually no “right” or “perfect” answer to a question as complicated as “Why did our relationship end?” “Maybe, like you, your ex isn’t sure when, why, or how it all went wrong.” And even if you get a straight answer like “I need to focus on myself!” or “I met someone else” – even then, “your heartbreak won’t suddenly become easier to bear,” says Dr. Orbuch continues. This means that you can almost only be disappointed by a final interview. At least if, instead of a respectful farewell, you expect such a conversation to ease your own pain.
Mistake number 2: Stressing yourself about time
A final line almost always suggests that “it has to be enough now” with all the sadness. And even if we wish that the pain of separation would go away overnight, pain doesn't work linearly, explains Orbuch. So it may be that you decide to swap your pajama pants for a chic outfit again, go out again or even date, and at some point the pain hits you completely unprepared. For example, when we are about to get involved with someone new.
Anyone who expects a final line to really be the end of the entire mourning journey will be disappointed. And in the worst case, even feeling like a failure. These waves of grief, which can hit us weeks or months later, are anything but “relapses”, but a completely normal part of the process.
This is how we process a separation healthily - without the hyped conclusion
So what can we do to move away from the pointless idea of closure that is so deeply ingrained in our cultural memory?
Instead of hoping for a healing final conversation, Orbuch says, as cheesy as it sounds, it's better to have a healthy conversation with yourself. Because the only person who can really define for yourself what was good and what was bad about a past relationship - and why it might have had to break up in the end, is yourself. Practically, you do this in journal form.
You could, for example, divide your relationship into phases and give them small headings to get an overview of the fact that (unless you were with an extremely toxic person) you probably didn't go straight from the rose-colored glasses phase to breaking up. Or also, write your own lack of understanding for the separation from your soul. But you could also create a list of differences that would help you visualize where you might not fit together at all. Maybe he always wanted children and you didn't? Or did he speak a completely different love language than you? These are all questions that could help you accept the ending.
The other important point is to practice self-forbearance. This means: Find out what is good for you when you are in a phase of grief. Instead of suppressing it (because you had drawn the line), take time for yourself and what is good for you. Is it a walk while listening to some of your favorite breakup songs? Or a short phone call with your best friend in which you can talk about the fact that it's another difficult day? Or maybe you need an active distraction like a movie night? Either way, according to Orbuch, the key is: time.
