“He looks like a girl”: Why such sayings seriously harm children

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My son (13) has longer hair. For a while. He consciously decided that his hair is growing and should be long. And although he has communicated very clearly that it is exactly what he wants, the longer hair always leads to discussions - within the (extended) family. He was offered money so that he can be cut his hair and it was told that he would look like a girl when he had long hair.

My son puts the comments away (now) well. He is very satisfied with himself, and that's the main thing. I am sorry for these constant discussions and comments. Why only disturbed adults are bothered when a boy lets themselves grow their hair? Why are my daughter's long hair beautiful, but my son's annoying? Why is it so important that you can see that this child is a boy and that a girl? Why do we put up so much gender role for our children instead of being unfolded and without pressure?

The sad answer is actually obvious: the majority of us grew up. Even if we personally do not (more) interfere with gender -specific appearances, we know very well that others do it very well. We know or have learned that 'notice' and 'being different' can lead to exclusion.

Clear gender roles serve to protect

To protect our children and certainly also for ourselves, we want them to belong and fit in. And that is exactly the problem. With the clichés and role patterns that we impose and also show our children, we set the framework in which they grow up. For example, we show you that women withdraw professionally when children get into a relationship. We show you that Papa is more talented than mom, or we make fun of it if it is the other way around.

The gender role is always linked to expectations. Above all, expectations of others. But instead of teaching our children to meet the expectations of others, we have to teach them that their own expectations of themselves are much more important. But how do you do that?

Question role clichés

Not all boys love football, are sporty and loud and not all girls love horses, pink and glitter. In order for our children to find out what they like, we have to pay attention to what we make available to them. This already applies to clothing, hobbies and toys and many other areas of life.

Even before the offspring is even able to express what he likes, we make these decisions. We attract our babies according to their gender, we give "boys" or "girl toys" and we choose which sport our children can do.

End with it! Dolls, building blocks and cars belong to the children's room always and independently of the sex. The complete color palette should be available to all babies and children. And boys can dance just as well as girls can play football.

Do not forbid behavior

And of course there are guys who are simply "boyish" and girls who meet the clichés. That is also completely fine. It is important that the child has found out that it likes something or not.

Because it is primarily about the fact that the child discovers himself, satisfy his interests and does not act according to what others expect from him or his gender.

Strengthens your child's self -confidence

So that children know what they want and what they like, it is important that they have a strong onebuild up. So you can handle it when you experience headwind for something that you, but maybe not the broad mass.

We need to let our children know that life is not about always fitting everywhere. If you put on at one point, there is always a different one in which you fit better. Especially at a young age, the family and the support that children experience here is particularly important. Because if you are accepted and loved by your family, as you are, then you always have a safe harbor in which you can return at any time when it gets more difficult.

Gender -neutral education

Many understand an extreme by gender -neutral upbringing. It does not have to mean that the child gives the child a gender -neutral name and nobody reveals whether it is a boy or girl.

To educate your own child gender -neutral or better gender sensitive only means that he is left all possibilities. This includes, for example, not to paint the children's room pink for a girl or light blue for a boy. The same applies to the child's clothing or hair. No role should be attributed to the child, but it should have time to get to know yourself first and to find his 'role'.

Pay attention to your language

The language is also crucial to let children grow up free of their gender role. Because most people talk to and about boys and girls differently. For example, boys and men are considered strong and girls and women are considered the weaker gender. Complete nonsense. Even if men generally bring more body mass, height, weight and perhaps muscle strength, this does not apply to all men and secondly (and much more important) is not what we need in our lives today.

Mental strength, willpower, perseverance and assertiveness are essential strengths in life and in which women are in no way inferior to men. At least not until someone judges over it. Because a girl who knows exactly what it wants is quickly stamped as a bitch. It is a sign of willpower if you want to assert yourself. Something that you look at very positively with boys. And a boy who reacts sensitively to situations who likes art, music and dance is not a sissy.

In order to convey to children that their gender does not specify what to expect from life or who they are, we have to take a closer look at how we talk to and also about them. Girls can be smart, clever, funny and strong and boys just as sensitive, calm, hardworking and good.

Is looking for female and male role models

As a social being, it is completely normal for people to want to belong somewhere. And that's why it can help children, but also to anyone other people, to find like -minded people and role models who are similar or fared. Those who keep in mind that it is perfectly fine to swim against the electricity and to get out of the mass. Who give you courage and strength to continue with what you believe in.

Further information on gender roles, gender -neutral education and much more can be found on the following portals:

School against sexism
Klischeefrei.de
Ministry of Social Affairs Baden-Württemberg
familienhandbuch.de

Important note at the end:The information and tips in this article are only suggestions. Every child is different and reacts in its own way. It is therefore important that you go into your child and find out which way is the best for you.