Parenting: What Introverted Parents Really Need

Last night I needed a break – from my son.

After a very stressful day at work, in which it felt like everyone wanted something from me and one meeting followed the next, I quickly ran to the childminder to pick up my 20-month-old son. Then we went straight to the playground. The sun was shining and it was crowded. Children raging everywhere. It was loud and hectic, as it is on a nice day at the playground.

I tried to block out the noise and the people, stop thinking about work and concentrate fully on my son - and on baking the perfect pound cake. I couldn't do either and I felt guilty for the umpteenth time that day.

A look at the clock, then get out of the sand, into the stroller and do some quick shopping. I had forgotten something important for dinner the day before. The supermarket was even more crowded than the playground, stressed-out people everywhere after work and a child who couldn't decide whether he was more tired or more hungry.

So get back home as quickly as possible. Carrying groceries and whiny son to the fifth floor. Then cook dinner, provide the child with one snack after another and at the same time have fun with toy cars.

Every now and then I kept thinking about the presentation that I hadn't managed to finish that morning. My cell phone pinged with well-meaning questions from relatives about who wanted something for Christmas and what we should have for dinner. After all, time was running out. I continued cooking on autopilot. You can probably imagine how relaxed the dinner together was.

And then it came, the point at which I couldn't take it anymore. Every little detail, every noise, every question, no matter how nice it was meant, made me explode inside. I had to get out of the situation. I had to press the pause button.

I'm an introvert and sometimes I need a moment for myself. Without anyone wanting anything from me. Without hectic and noise. A moment of silence in a dark room. Even as a child I had this need for solitude. After that, press the stop button. Then let my carousel of thoughts calm down. Now as a mother, I have this even more.

Just a few months ago I would have cried at a moment like this. Plagued by a guilty conscience and the certainty that she is a bad mother.

Because which good mother needs distance from her child? Which good mother withdraws because in some moments she simply can't stand everyday family life and hours of play anymore? What good mother puts herself above her child?

I do it. I do it again and again and I do it very actively. And I no longer feel guilty about it. It took a while to get to this point, but now I know:I do this because I'm an introvert and a good mother.

And I need these breaks so that I can remain a good mother. So that I can teach my child: You are great just the way you are. Your needs are right and important. And it's okay if everything becomes too much for you. Sometimes everything gets too much for me. It's okay.

If I didn't give myself these breaks, I would probably be unfair to my son. I would let him know, perhaps subconsciously, that he was too much for me. That he is the reason for my bad mood or my withdrawal. And that's the last thing I want.

If I have to press the stop button, I explain it to my son. I say, “Honey, mom needs a short break now. This has nothing to do with you, everything to do with me. I'll be right back and then we'll continue playing." And then I go into another room for a moment, close the door, turn off the light and take a few calm breaths in and out.

I am fortunate that my son has a wonderful, loving father who understands my introversion and need for quiet. Who supports me and lets me be myself. Even as a mother.

If you're raising your child alone, you may not have the luxury of taking a break. But you need these breaks, even if you're not an introvert. This moment of peace that belongs only to you. You need him to stay you. So that you can be the best mother for your child. An authentic, honest mother who shows her child that their own needs are important.

Seek support if at all possible. Regardless of whether it is relatives, friends or babysitters, find someone who can help you with the child or children. You don't have to do everything alone and you'll be a good mother if you think about yourself.

We need to start breaking the taboo and talking about the fact that being a mom, or of course a dad, is often hard. That the new life is stressful and demanding. That there is little time and often no time for yourself. That there are days when you can't do it anymore and sometimes moments when you don't want to anymore. Especially if you're an introvert.

And all of this is completely okay and has nothing to do with a lack of gratitude or even with not loving your child enough.

Because none of this, no negative feeling that we feel, no bad conscience that is made of us, no problem that everyday family life presents, diminishes the love that we feel for our children. This love is so strong, so unshakable that nothing can shake it.

But love for ourselves is on shaky ground for many of us. We must actively work on this love, we must make it heard and cultivate it. Even if it's just a short break that's all ours. Because motherly love and self-love can, no, they even have to go hand in hand.