In most heterosexual families, it's mom who thinks about everything between breakfast sandwiches and the responsibilities of her own job. But this constant mental stress, also known as mental load, can become overload.
Whether it's invitations for a child's birthday party, shopping lists or doctor's appointments, in most heterosexual families, mom is the one who thinks about it. She has all of these appointments and obligations in mind and ensures that everyone in the family is in the right place at the right time and is well looked after. Everyone except mom herself.
Because it's stressful every day to make sure that the kids get to school or daycare on time in the morning, that the refrigerator is always sufficiently stocked and that doctor's appointments are kept and birthdays are not forgotten. It's stressful to feel responsible for ensuring that the house or apartment doesn't descend into chaos. And it's even more stressful when you feel like no one is taking your stress seriously.
Many mothers burden themselves with this invisible task of always thinking about everything. It is also called mental load. But if one family member has to think, organize and do things for everyone, it becomes a burden. And if you don't do anything about it, it becomes overload, i.e. mental overload.
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So how do you make all these invisible tasks visible and actively do something about the mental load?
A classic example of mental load: weekend shopping
With two working parents, it is now inevitable that both of them get involved in everyday family life and take on tasks. And yet the organizational part, i.e. the part until the actual task is completed, very often falls into mom's area. The best example of this is probably weekend shopping, which always has to be done. And the question: “What do we need?”
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Fathers really like to address them to their partners before they head off to the supermarket. It is precisely this list of things that are needed that puts a mental strain on mom. Instead of simply sending her husband to look for missing food herself, she already has an idea of what is missing. So Mom will bother putting the list down on paper, Dad will drive to the grocery store and think he did a good job supporting his family.
But the actual work that happened beforehand was done by Mom. By noticing what was missing days in advance and remembering all these big and small things.
Mental load primarily affects women – why?
But why is that? Why do so many women burden themselves with organizing almost everything on their own and putting so much strain on themselves in secret? Our socialization is (partly) to blame for this. Women and girls are more or less taught to take care of the family. Sometimes through one's own family, very often through society.
This creates an imbalance in terms of mental load, but also in care work. Because care work, i.e. children and household work, is also carried out more often by women than by men. Which doesn't mean it can't be made more equal. But you have to want it.
Current study shows the heavy burden on mothers
According to a global study by Philips Avent with 12,000 mothers and another 16,000 participants, two out of three mothers have less than an hour a day for their own needs. Almost every second mother surveyed (44 percent) said they had the feeling of “having to do everything alone”. Over a third (37 percent) are “very worried” about their own well-being. An important point is the permanent lack of sleep. One in two mothers said they had two hours less sleep each night. These figures show quite clearly that there is an imbalance at the expense of women (more information on the Philips Avent studyyou can find it here).
How do you escape the mental load trap?
No matter how well-established the processes in the family seem, if one person suffers from it, something has to change in the way they are distributed. That's why the most important step to deal with the mental load is to talk to your partner and, if the children are old enough, also to them.
All tasks that need to be completed regularly should be discussed and divided fairly. If it is unclear how unfairly the family tasks are distributed, it can help to simply write down who does what and for how long. This may seem tedious, but it's worth it if you really want to change something.
What is very important is that once the tasks have been redistributed, you should resist the urge to interfere or remind your partner or children. Even if that means missing an appointment or missing something.
It takes a lot of willpower at the beginning, but it's really about getting the tasks that aren't in your hands out of your mind and not having to think about them anymore.
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This also means that if the man takes care of the shopping, he is also responsible for the corresponding shopping list. And if he asks what's still missing, you can also answer with, "I don't know, you'll have to take a look." At the beginning you really have to force yourself to let go in order not to take the scepter back. But this will get better with time. Promised.
Important note at the end: The information and tips in this article are merely suggestions. It is important that you pay attention to yourself and your needs and speak up if something is bothering you. This is the only way your partner will know that something is wrong and needs to be improved.
