There is hardly anything worse than the pain of separation. Nothing is of interest anymore, nothing can cheer you up, all thoughts only revolve around one thing: lost love! But even in this bad phase, there are strategies that can be used to overcome the pain of separation, says psychologist Wolfgang Krüger.
Separation pain is bad. Most people who have had to go through the whole thing probably know this. It is essential to get advice and tips to help combat the seemingly huge monster that is heartbreak.
We therefore asked the expert what helps in this phase of pain so that things get better again quickly.
Our expert isDr. Wolfgang Kruger, psychotherapist and author who has dealt intensively with the topics of love, relationships and separations for 40 years and has helped many patients in his work.
Here are his expert tips for overcoming separation pain:
Tip 1: No contact to ease breakup pain
Having just separated, you feel like you're standing on a precipice. “The partner is still extremely present internally in this phase. You have to think about him or her constantly, everything reminds you of him or her. And when you see each other, the pain breaks out again and again,” says psychologist Wolfgang Krüger.
Therefore: “In this first phase there should be an absolute ban on contact! You have to be clear: every conversation, every touch, every meeting prolongs the separation phase and thus the pain of separation.
Ban on contact also means: despite the bad pain of separation, revenge actions are taboo. “We are only harming ourselves because we are constantly dealing with our partner internally. This also prolongs the suffering phase.”
If you have children in common, a total ban on contact is of course out of the question. There are two principles here, according to the expert: “Disputes must not be settled on the backs of children.
You should never talk badly about others in front of your children. And: You should see parenthood and thus contact with your ex soberly as a joint project. This is about the well-being of the children, nothing else.”
Tip 2: Find your independence again
In the past, your partner was always there, sharing everyday life and worries - only after a while do you realize that you are now actually alone. “In many small situations it is only now that we become aware of the interconnectedness in the previous relationship.
It takes months until we are independent of our partner,” explains Wolfgang Krüger. His advice: You should actively fill your life with new content. “In this phase, friends, family and colleagues are extremely important in order to gradually rebuild an independent life.”
Reading tips:: 10 tips that really help against heartbreak
Tip 3: Reorientation to overcome the pain of separation
Sooner or later, all items that still remind you of your partner should be thrown away. Otherwise they always cause separation pain. This is the only way to leave the past behind and reorient yourself. You will soon see that the inner dialogue that you constantly have with your ex-favorite person happens less often.
And the joy of life slowly returns when you have found closeness to yourself again. Wolfgang Krüger explains: “You have to stop constantly thinking and instead listen more to your inner voice. Only in this way is real reorientation possible.”
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Tip 4: Grieve and allow the pain of separation
Repression and distraction only initially help with separation pain. At some point the separation has to be processed internally.
“Otherwise it’s like a wall that you just paint over,” says the expert. “Anyone who has not really processed their grief will try to protect themselves in the rest of their lives, will remain single or will fail again in their next relationship.”
means saying goodbye internally and realizing what loss you have suffered, what hopes you have to bury, what mistakes have been made. “Here you come very close to your psychological injuries and that is of course painful. That’s why grieving work is only possible when you’re feeling reasonably well again.”
Tip 5: Be open to new things
“A relationship is only really over when a new partnership comes into being,” says Wolfgang Krüger. “Until then, there is still some kind of relationship between the ex-partners. One of them is usually hoping for a love comeback.”
You can answer whether you are really over your ex-partner or partner with a simple question: “Could I advise this person on love problems if he started a new relationship and told me about it?” This thought makes you feel sick , then you are not ready for a new relationship.
If, on the other hand, you are ready for something new, you should think carefully about what you want from a new partner and what hopes are associated with it.
Wolfgang Krüger: “Anyone who has come this far has overcome the worst pain of separation and is looking up. Suddenly you sense that there is a fulfilling life after the separation. And that’s a good thing.”
Pain of separation: Exchange in the forum helps
Exchanging ideas with other affected people can also help with separation pain. You suddenly realize: I'm not alone. Others feel the same. This feeling of togetherness helps against the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that often accompanies a separation. In oursgofeminin Forumyou will find many articles on the topic of separation pain:
Separation pain forum:
- Contribution:“How long is grief normal after a breakup?”
- Post “Pain of Separation”: It hurts so bad. Was the separation right?
- Post “To everyone who couldn’t let go after a breakup”
- Post: “Feelings after a breakup???”
Listening to podcasts can also help you overcome the breakup and the pain associated with it. My recommendation is thisPodcast “Paula – Learning to Love”.
Here, host Paula Lambert talks to interviewees about the topics of love and (failed) relationships, thereby helping her guests and listeners to come to terms with separations.
