BI-Curious: An experience between curiosity and queer identity

At a party, Talia's gaze wanders slowly through the room. He stays on one of the women for a particularly long time. She smiles and the wife smiles back. You order something from the bar. You continue to focus on the eye, you seem to hide the other guests who are pushing around them. They sip their drinks, compliments. Flirt so violently that Talia is sure that her counterpart is also on women. When she finally gets closer to her, she abruptly fends off: "Um, no not". Talia clearly sees herself as a bisexual - a misunderstanding like this does not happen for her for the first time.

Data often becomes insecure when it comes to the same gender - even if they are actually curious. Understandable. Because sexuality is a wide range on which it is not always easy to place. Especially in a heteronormative world, in which men are often considered the "easier choice".

A study published in 2021 in the "Journal of Bisexuality" confirms this tendency: Bisexual women with (heterosexual) male partners are considered the rarest group in the LGBTQ+ community.

"Bi-Curiousity" stands for an expanded view of the spectrum, but is also another label. It means that a hetero person is curious to data outside of their own sexuality. In the queer community, some see the term contradictory to problematic. On the one hand, he suggests that sexual experience is needed before you can call yourself a bisexual (spoiler, that's nonsense!). On the other hand, there is a distance from the queer identity in the word. In addition to internalized bi-phobia, the latter can have very different reasons.

Before you judge curiosity as "reluctance", you always have to consider that an outing process can be difficult and sometimes happens gradually. Despite her sometimes negative experiences with "Bi-Curiosity", Talia also criticizes the queer communitiy. "Tolerance and empathy is preached here, but often reacts totally dismissive if a person just wants to try it out." For the 29-year-old social worker, the solution is to simply communicate his point of view from the start. "Otherwise you quickly feel a experiment or are disappointed if you are suddenly left at the bar."

The large -scale study also found that sexual orientation is not as rigid as it is often assumed. For example, social norms influence to a high level of how openly people allow their own feelings. A lower need for clear categories can lead to people looking at their own sexuality more flexibly.

When asked what this means for the term "bi-curios", says Dr. Xavier Hall, main author of the investigation and expert for sexual and gender -specific disparities in the health sector, names are always imperfect. They are useful when a person recognizes themselves in them. If she has the feeling of being able to classify herself better and better understood from the outside. According to Hall, the reason for the delimitation from bisexuality can also be the avoidance of potential discrimination.

"In the end you choose the guy anyway" or "Your curiosity is only a phase" are sentences that Charlotte has heard several times. The 24-year-old student also feels attracted to women, but "slips" again and again in solid relationships with men. She does not question the relationship with her current partner, but she was initially disappointed to have chosen the "light" way again: "If you look striking, a man on the side is always a protective shield, supposed security. " A relationship with a woman would also "not learn" for her and thus feel "more exhausting".

However, she doesn't like the term “bi-curious”. "For me there is a lot of swinging, not admitting. So according to the motto you have to have sex with several women to prove that they are really bi. ” Charlotte prefers to simply call himself a queer: "It doesn't trigger this weighing with people." This is exactly why she pushed her first sexual experience with a woman in order to finally be able to show something. "It was accordingly bad". Today she regrets that the pressure at the time ensured that a heteronormative hookup culture had crept in with her.

Dr. Xavier Hall observes that many people with very similar orientation use a whole series of different names for things that at first glance seem to be practically the same: “What a person calls a bi-new, a person other than queer, bisexual, Pansexual, asexual, sexually fluid, heteroflexible, lesbian or mixed. " Language can only describe the complexity of sexuality to a limited extent. That is why the label can develop for one person over the years - even if your attraction or life experiences have not changed drastically.

Individual labels can give security, especially if you don't feel correctly accepted. When Melis* told her ex-partner that she was bi, he only replied "you don't look gay at all". The 29-year-old is annoyed by such clichés. She also finds the term “bi-curious” particularly relevant for people who come from conservative families or cultures. The PR manager from Berlin knows many people who approach their sexuality in a protected setting.

There is always a risk of being rejected or injured in the data. Disappointments lie in the nature of things. For Melis, this is no reason to deny new experiences. As long as there is a consensus on both sides, everyone has the right to try everything out.