One moment there is pure harmony between siblings, only a few minutes later sparks fly, often just because of a little thing. For many parents it is almost unbearable when their children regularly fight each other over trivial things; after all, cohesion is the most important thing in a family. So why do siblings fight so often and what can you do as a parent?
Ambiguous relationship
Relationships between siblings are inherently ambivalent: this mix of dislike and love arises from the rivalry between children in a family. On the one hand, they are very close because they belong to the same generation and differentiate themselves from adults or parents.
The fight for supremacy
Fortunately, this battle for dominance does not take place constantly. There is no definite winner or loser. Each child can take turns in the stronger position, or even both in different areas at the same time: one gets a toy, but has to wait to eat. The other person is better at sports, but not quite as good at school, and so on.
This explains why an argument often breaks out over every little thing, but also disappears just as quickly. The siblings reconcile after the showdown and love each other again. Who hasn't seen the sparks flying in their children's room and a moment later their children playing together and laughing?
The relationship between siblings
Behind a banal argument between brothers and sisters there is another, deeper reason for the argument: it is rarely about the chocolate or the stuffed animal. Much more often, the children actually fight over the parental love of mom and dad.
As soon as a two-person relationship, also called a “dyad” in social science, such as the mother-child relationship, begins to falter, the older child wants to defend the love of his parents, especially his mother. To do this, the “other”, the “intruder”, i.e. the new sibling, is removed from the way.
This basic jealousy is inevitable and perhaps even indispensable, but it can sometimes come out violently in arguments.
Jealousy between siblings: Self-affirmation in arguments
Although jealousy is often the cause of direct confrontation between brothers and sisters, the argument also has another function: it allows each child to find their identity in relation to their sibling. True to the motto: If I shout and complain, if I use a lot of swear words, if I express my desire or anger, then my family will notice me. Pay attention to me – I exist.
Children also learn about their own boundaries and those of others when they argue. So they are confronted with the existence of other children and learn that although you can give insults or even punches, you also have to take the same punishment...
If you observe animals, for example, you will notice that the young animals in a herd spend a lot of time playing and fighting. In doing so, they test their assertiveness and try to gain their place in their environment, as they will have to do as future adults.
Our children basically have the same need, they just express it a little differently. Always under the condition that the parents are above it and set the limits.
Disputes between siblings: when do you have to intervene?
Feel free to let your children bicker, but keep an eye on the people arguing and keep an eye out. Please don't interfere and don't take sides. For the children, that would mean that you prefer someone. However, the dispute must not escalate or even become brutal.
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If you do have to intervene, make it clear that you do not accept physical or verbal violence. Ultimately, as parents, you want and should prevent fistfights from becoming normal communication: “It's completely okay for you to argue, but don't hurt each other. Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion, you have to accept that.”
It is up to you to decide how much aggressiveness you will tolerate. However, under no circumstances should you allow this threshold to be exceeded. By the way, this is completely independent of the age of the children - even small children understand this very well!
During the conversation, explain to your children how the other person feels. That it hurts just as much when you are insulted. In this way you train your awareness of the emotional level. By the way, such clarifying conversations do not necessarily bear the desired fruit before preschool age.
Arguments between siblings: explaining and listening
A conversation is important so that everyone can share what is on their mind. If you notice that the argument is becoming a physical conflict, with "dirty" expressions or if a child is very sad, start a conversation in which everyone takes turns to speak before the argument flares up again.
Ask everyone for their opinion and encourage the children to have an open discussion. Take the time to restart the discussion where previously there was only noise and shouting. With a clarifying conversation, children and parents learn that conflicts can be resolved without insults and loud shouting.
Prevent arguments between siblings: Be there for only one child
When you take time for one of the children, they feel unique and loved. Therefore, try to be alone with each child at a convenient time in turn. Give your son or daughter a few nice hours together: go shopping together or play soccer.
No matter what or where, whether in the cinema or in the forest, it is important that this time only belongs to a child with mom or dad. I bet that the mood at home will be a lot more relaxed afterwards? Explains that this privilege applies to everyone and everyone gets their turn.
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Beware of the jealousy trap:Avoid letting too much time pass between individual activities. Otherwise, one of your children might feel disadvantaged because you spent more time with your brother or sister. In doing so, you risk that the rivalry will re-emerge and a new argument will arise. As a parent, you have to pay attention to fairness and give each child equal attention.
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