Toxic relationship: You recognize them & that can help you

Table of contents

Love should do us good. If you love, you should be happy to see your partner happily. However, this is different with a toxic relationship. This is about power games and emotional blackmail, which goes strongly to the disadvantage of one partner.

Therefore, it is not bearable in a toxic relationship in the long run. Nevertheless, the whole thing usually begins so creeping that - because we feel love - we are inclined to endure and play the game. We slide into a relationship that is poison for our psyche.

These are the typical signs of borderline in a relationship

The perfidious principle of a toxic relationship

The problem: In the beginning everything was so beautiful, you invested a lot in the relationship. And so you wish that everything will be like it before. Although you feel unhappy and injured in the partnership and are kept down by your counterpart, you stay with him. Because the desire that this unfair partner becomes good again is overpowering.

Sounds illogical? As an outsider, one may imagine: Why do you do this? Why don't you leave someone who only makes you unhappy? The problem: not the toxic partner appears as the problem, but you yourself. Because he won't tire us to show us again and again: You yourself are to blame for the situation. You are the sole cause.

This is a little as if you constantly keep something worth desirable. "Look here, it could be if you really get kept. You could have that ”. But we hardly ever get it. At some point we are so starved after what we are denied that we can no longer think of anything else.

By constantly causing school feelings in a toxic relationship with us and shows us that we are not enough for him to behave wrongly, he makes us get us after his recognition and feelings and a loving word. We will be completely passive and endure his unfair behavior instead of doing the only right thing: to turn his back on his back.

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Signs for a toxic relationship

The signs that you are in a toxic relationship are one of thoseNot so unlike. Here are typical behaviors that, if you think you are in a toxic relationship, may seem familiar:

You are not good enough

No matter how nice and attentive you behave: it is never good enough. Something is always wrong. Your partner constantly makes you make -up, so that you already doubt yourself and your behavior and can no longer assess yourself whether you do something right or not.

Unpredictable moods

Typical for a toxic relationship: if the partner constantly suffers from strong emotional fluctuations and you never know what you are. Does he behave fairly and is lovingly or rests and violates accusations and allegations? You can never predict that exactly.

Basicless the indictment

Usually there is no precise reason for the repellent behavior of the toxic partner. That's why you are so delivered to your moods because you don't even know what you could have done wrong. And he doesn't really explain either. Only one thing he says clearly: you alone are to blame for everything. And at some point you believe that yourself.

He deprives you of love

Everyone has certain needs in a relationship. The partner in a toxic relationship serves these needs wonderfully, so that you feel loved and recovered. Unfortunately, he only does this in phases and manipulative. Again and again he deprives you of affection and falls into a deep crisis. And to get the love of the toxic partner back, you do everything.

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Both extremes in one

Rarely is his behavior just normal. Both when it comes to positive things such as expressions of love and compliments, as well as negative things, allegations and assumptions, jealousy and resentment. The toxic partner never finds a healthy middle. This is perhaps great in the (rare) beautiful moments and impresses you, but his malice also goes into the bottomless.

You never feel safe from his love

Because his moods are so unpredictable, you can never be sure of his feelings. But since you know how exuberant and emotionally he can be, you can stay with him, hoping that everything will be as before or like in his peaceful times. The distances between the bad phases are getting shorter and shorter.

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He knows what he'll get you with

Your partner knows exactly what he can drive you into tight. Every weakness, no matter how small, every longing of you: nothing is safe from his targeted attacks. He knows exactly how he can hurt you or hit you in your feelings of guilt.

Misunderstandings are inevitable

No matter what you say and how you say it: your partner always gets you wrong and always interprets extremely negative things into your statements. He twists the words in your mouth, so to speak.

Discussions always end in a dispute

This is also typical: there is no normal culture of dispute in toxic relationships. Firstly, because he wants to misunderstand everything. On the other hand, because the dispute quickly becomes aggressive and loud. Every little incident ends in an accusing "NODo you do that "and" you see: so you arealways!“

He isolates you

Also typical of toxic relationships: it keeps you away from your environment, be it your family, your friends or people with whom you share a hobby. And: he has something to complain about on each of your contacts. Your nice colleague just wants to take advantage of you. The nice buddy only get you to bed. Your siblings go back. Ultimately, you only see him. So he manages that only he has an impact on you and you are otherwise isolated.

You defend him in front of others

Although he even provides you in society from others and with swing, you even defend him. When others address your behavior, you justify his actions, even though it has frightened you. You talk small and say it is a unique incident. Since he isolated you, it is no longer often that someone looks at your behavior towards you than critically. That is exactly his goal.

He robs you of the energy and manipulates you

At some point you are so nerve at the end that you only give small in discussions. To tell him your real opinion, you don't even dare, out of fear of the consequences. You feel bad, drained and weak. It gradually robs you of your entire energy, your self -confidence and your self -respect.

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Why does the toxic partner behave like that?

Ultimately, you shouldn't look for the guilt alone. Toxic people usually choose their counterpart. You see who is soft and formable. Who you can manipulate well. But you always have to be clear about it: you are not too unable, too soft, too little confident. It is the toxic partner who has a problem. He himself needs undivided and constant attention because he has strong deficits internally.

He bushes his own uncertainty and dissatisfaction and lets you suffer for his shortcomings. He has not learned a normal way of dealing with feelings, fears and emotions and so he lets his life partner feel everything he cannot do. Negative, early childhood experiences are often based. To find these causes and work them up, therapy is the best option.

What to do if you are in a toxic relationship?

Anyone who feels that they are stuck in a toxic relationship should first look for a familiar, be it a friend, colleague, relative or a therapist or other those affected in forums. It is important not to continue to stand behind the relationship, but to speak openly that you have a problem. A massive one. Because only with a view from the outside does you realize how much the toxic relationship goes to your own psychological substance.

As with the partnership with a narcissist, however, one has to say very clearly: Without an open conversation and the willingness to work on both sides on the relationship, it is not possible. And mostly the insight into your own mistakes is not necessarily the core competence of the toxic partner. In the end, there is often nothing going past professional therapy. Because here is someone who looks at the disputes and sensitivities from the outside and can clearly classify who acts how.

And: You can get to the bottom of your toxic relationship behavior and analyze why you act in love. It is difficult to do this without the help of an expert.

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What to do when a friend is in a toxic relationship?

If you observe yourself that a friend is in a toxic relationship, you should address those in a quiet minute. You should also express very openly that you are scared about the situation and nothing nice, even if it could hurt the other person. This is the only way to make it clear to the sufferer what he can endure day in.

Important: do not exert more pressure. Because those affected are mostly at the end of their strength. "You have to go there immediately" or "Why do you let something do something with you?!" are usually too much of a good thing. If the one doesn't need one, these are allegations and pressure. It is better to rebuild the others, to give it new strength and courage. To revive his self -esteem.

As a good friend, you should show that you are always there for the other and is ready to help him stand up to him, no matter what comes. And you can show help, google for affected forums or for suitable therapy offers. Every outside help makes sense here.

Tips & addresses

Reading tips

Aurora Sandner: Toxic relationships -when love makes you sick: How to recognize narcissism in relationships, let go, act properly and finally live independently again (German) paperback -May 2, 2020, ->Buy now here on Amazon*

Silke Gronwald: Enough is enough: narcissism, self -concentricity and emotional abuse: How toxic relationships arise -and how you can solve yourself (ten Talks, Volume 1) (German) Taschenbuch -February 7, 2020, ->Buy now here on Amazon*

Asli: Recognize and overcome toxic relationships: How to recognize emotional dependency, let go of harmful relationships and find it again -for more self -confidence and joie de vivre (German) paperback -August 23, 2020, ->Buy now here on Amazon*

Help for affected psychological violence

If you or someone you know has become victims of mental violence, you will find help and support from the Federal Association of Women's Advice Centers and Women's Note in Germany.

TheAid telephone "Violence against women"You can reach on the phone number08000 116 016365 days a year, every time, anonymous and free of charge. Interpreter helps with linguistic barriers.

Or you use itTelephone pastoral carewhich can be reached around the clock at 0800 111 0111 or 0800 111 0222.
Here victims find important information and contact points on thePage of the police.

Here you will find women's advice centers and women's shelters near you. (Women's house coordination:www.frauenhauskoordinierung.de, bff:www.frauen-gegen-gewalt.de)

Important information is also available for sacrificial aid organizations such as: Weisser Ring eV (www.weisser-ring.deor via the victim telephone of the Weissen Ring eV on Tel.: 116 006)