Ending a friendship: This is how you remain fair and honest despite everything

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Ending a friendship is not easy, but sometimes it is unavoidable. There are many reasons to keep the friendship alive: time together, beautiful moments and unforgettable memories. But there are also good reasons for it, especially if the friendship puts a strain on you personally or even arouses negative feelings in you.

First ask yourself: What makes good friendships?

If you are considering ending a friendship, you should first be clear about what friendship actually means. Because then you can usually see quite clearly when a friendship is just waste and a break would be much more honest.

By the way, it's completely normal for your circle of friends to get smaller at some pointProfessor Franz J. Neyerexplained by the psychological institute at the University of Jena. If you are compatible with many of your peers in terms of interests and lifestyle when you are young, this will change over the course of your life. We look more carefully at who suits us and who doesn't. As a result, the number of friendships is decreasing more and more.

But what exactly makes a good friendship? These four things are the building blocks of every friendship.

1. Respect & Tolerance

On the one hand, that friends and girlfriendsTreat each other with respect and tolerance.Otherwise the balance threatens to tip and one of them becomes a doormat for the other.

2. Reciprocity

Alsoreciprocityis an important point in friendships. Because there should be give and take in such a way that both benefit from the friendship. If one person is constantly just the grief box for the other, but the other person never has an open ear for him, then this constellation is very one-sided and, in the long run, more like taking advantage of good nature.

3. Friendships need to be maintained

Next point:Friendships need to be maintained. There are these old sandbox loves that still feel familiar and good even after a five-year break from broadcasting, but these are also often about good old times together and that brings us together extremely well. A stroke of luck.

And a special case, howProfessor Neyerexplains: “Relationships with less close friends or acquaintances in particular are usually ended when reciprocity is no longer experienced as a given.”

We are less strict about long-term, close friendships. Not every action is taken into account here. “On the contrary, between close friends it can even be hurtful if people insist too rigidly on adhering to such rules.”

However, for younger or casual acquaintances who don't have such a long history or history, it's important to make an effort to look after each other. That you look: How can I be good for the other person, how can I be a strong, reliable shoulder for them?

4. Reliability

Which brings us to the last point:Reliability. And especially in bad times.Because everyone can jump through the night together and have fun. But who is there when you feel bad? This is usually the moment when you can clearly distinguish between good and bad friends.

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Ending a friendship or maintaining a friendship: When does what make sense?

So if I feel that being with a girlfriend or boyfriend isn't good for me, that I constantly feel like I'm being treated badly, that I have to justify myself, that I'm being downplayed and ignored, then I should take a close look at these points. Which of these still applies to this person? Respect, tolerance, reciprocity - what exactly fulfills you and what doesn't?

If the efforts to get along well together are absolutely one-sided and the other person is a human a***, then I can definitely consider whether I should draw my conclusions from that and end the friendship.

But there are even more reasons to unfriend someone. Betrayal, betrayal, cheating and lying – all of this is tough stuff between friends. But ultimately we should be able to forgive up to a certain point.

If there is any prospect of improvement. However, if it doesn't and the antisocial behavior is a permanent condition, then things are different and we should seriously consider ending the friendship.

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And there is another less dramatic case in which one can think about parting ways: There are friendships with an expiration date. These are people who support us in certain phases of our lives, but with whom we have more of a community of convenience. A shared job, a shared sport, training or whatever.

These can become close and deep friendships, but it is not uncommon for you to realize that time is over and that it would be illogical to continue to compulsively maintain contact. Sometimes it's more honest to break up. Without arguments and a lot of discussion, with mutual agreement, because anything else would be fake. These are also moments where we can dissolve friendships very gently and fairly.

How can you end a friendship fairly?

Most of us want to avoid unnecessary drama. To avoid this, you can decide, depending on the cause and reason, how to end a friendship sensibly and respectfully so that both people suffer little damage from it.

1. End friendship with a valid reason

As different as the reasons for breaking up with friends are, the ways in which they break up are also different. If a specific, bad incident was the reason for the decision, a discussion would be important. This way the other person knows why it is better not to be present from now on.

Here you should state your reasons calmly and clearly and then keep your distance. This doesn't have to be accompanied by insults and hatred, but rather according to the principle: the smarter one gives in, or in this case: the smarter one draws the consequences and leaves.

It should be clear: You don't make such clear announcements via WhatsApp message or email, and especially not on social media, i.e. Instagram or Facebook, where everyone can see it and you fight your small war publicly.

Here you should always remember that you were once important and close to each other and behave correctly accordingly (if anger and hurt allow it, otherwise it might be better to wait until the initial anger has faded).

In general, you should (if possible) not act emotionally, but rather take a short break after a certain incident in order to then make your decision and implement it. It's better to end a friendship with a clear head, not foaming at the mouth with aggression.

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2. Ending a friendship without a specific reason

When it comes to friends with whom you only feel that you have moved away and moved in different directions, there is no need for a fundamental discussion or a big, clear word. Better: just talk about the friendship, which still exists but has changed a lot.

There are often clear signs that both of them no longer have that much to say to each other. This can be discussed in a final meeting for the time being and then say goodbye for an indefinite period of time.

In this case, neither of them needs a “goodbye,” because ultimately neither of them can do anything about it and the last meeting therefore doesn’t have to contain anything negative.

Both are usually empathetic enough to recognize when the journey together is over and if not, you can point it out to the other person by bringing it up. We all change throughout life. This is totally normal.

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Why we shouldn't separate too quickly

We have many close relationships in life and also many people who only accompany us briefly on our journey. And that's absolutely fine. Not everyone has to be my best friend.

If we think about it, there are so many types of friendships, not just the sandbox buddy from childhood, but also many loose connections with other people. Some end without the need for many words, others end with a big bang when necessary.

But the important thing is: we should fight for people who are important to us. Just like in a partnership, we should strive for them and try to find a solution. Friends are such a gift in life. This shouldn't be thrown away too quickly. Therefore, make your decision carefully.

Even if a friendship seems to be at an impasse, you should take the time to talk about it. An open conversation can go a long way in clarifying the situation. Often neither of them dare to discuss certain things, sensitivities or questions until there is a clarifying conversation.

Sometimes it helps to spend a certain amount of time at a distance to regroup and see more clearly and to find answers for yourself - and then realize that it is worth approaching each other again.

Paths in life separate and often cross again. As the saying goes, you always meet twice, and friends should think about that too. Fairness and careful action are certainly the best advisors here.

Book tip: If you would like to learn more about friendships and letting go, we recommend the Spiegel order: “How to get rid of people who are not good for you without killing them: About the art of letting go of toxic people and self-doubt” (order here from Amazon*).