Life with a narcissistic mother - an experience report

Every time my mother came to visit, I was under enormous pressure. The apartment didn't just have to be clean. She had to be perfect. Nevertheless, something was always missing. An experience report on life with a narcissistic mother.

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Our guest bloggerRegina scrapis an author and actress, coach and founder of Narz Mich not® - a platform for victims of pathological narcissism and people who are co -abbreviation of psychological violence. You can find more about this on your websitewww.narz-mich-nicht.de.

Permanent feelings of guilt: completely normal with a narcissistic mother

The flowers in the garden. The books on the shelf. Until the underwear in my wardrobe. Everything was ready for thatState visitmy mother. The most important thing was my appearance. A narrow burr. Neat, but not too pretty. The best thing to do is some of her to be a piece of clothing so that she is happy.

But my eyes were most important. They absolutely had to be green. Stupidly, I inherited my great aunt's mood eyes. My eyes are only green when I'm happy and had sex less than twelve hours ago.

My mother's first grip while picking up at the airport was in my face. Pull up the chin. Eye check. "Oh dear, no gray eyes. It's not going in bed with you again. "

I couldn't enjoy my first time sex for myself. My mother had already cold the sparkling wine. Grip on the face. Kinn up. "Well finally." My first self -exploration of my own body was analyzed at the red traffic light in front of the elementary school with other mothers.

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Already in kindergarten I was angry as an enlightened plug. I would rather have believed the fairy tale of the stork. But that's how I was special. Special. The everyoneMost specialwhat was declared by my mother the most desirable goal. In truth, that made me an eternal outsider. A fate that she knew and that I had to share with her on the prosperity and spoilage.

The disappointment at my birth must have been serious for my mother. I wasn't a boy. I had crooked legs. Therefore, I couldn't become a prime. Cross bite. Glasses at the age of four. Too thin. Too small. Too difficult. Everything had to be corrected on me. Leg rails. Glasses. Braces. The first psychotherapy at the age of fourteen, because with my soul there was obviously a little wrong.

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The only nice thing about me was my blond curls

So they were cut off regularly. Too thin. Up to my tenth year of life I ran around like a boy in girls' clothes while my mother shone beautifully next to me.

I was busy at school. A place where I could prove myself. If I only wrote one, my narcissistic mother filed it. I wrote a three, it said: "What do you think of?" To be loved, I wanted to make her right - then as now.

However, I never had a real chance. My mother was never enough. She worked on her self -portrayal or the camouflage of her non -existent self -esteem until he falls over. Therefore, it was impossible for her to support me in the development of my own fraus.

On my prom, she snapped my friend at the opening waltz with a laugh: "Women's choice." I was stunned, lost in the middle of the dance floor. That was the starting signal for a new bitter competition from my mother - her fight for my friends had started. Merciless. She flirted with everyone. The more uncomfortable me that was, the more she turned up. Completely performed her wild pirouettes and I didn't understand it. Far from.

It wasn't my wedding. It wasn't my premiere at the Salzburg Festival. Everything and everywhere she was. She staged generously. If that did not succeed, she fainted. Either way, everyone was forced to react to them. But no reaction did justice to their high expectations.

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In the eyes of a narcissistic personality you can't do anything right

Exactly this sentence is the problem and the solution. If you can never do anything right, you can get out of the narcissistic hamster wheel at any time and always. It doesn't matter how. Just make the "right mistake" in the eyes of your narcissistic mother - for you.

That was exactly my exit and it wasn't that long ago. Like you, I read a very similar life story. She caught me ice cold. Suddenly it made it "click".

At first I didn't want to admit it. I was really angry with this knowledge. Infinitely sad that I believed for years my father was the real narcissist. But in retrospect, everything puzzles frighteningly clearly. My narcissistic mother had the threads in my hand until I average. From now on I was no longer her puppet. I was free.

Simply because I no longer went to the phone and reported every day about my life. Because I finally started to perceive myself detached from my mother, with my very own beauty and my skills.

Narcissistic mothers fight for attention all their lives. They were also not loved in childhood for their own sake. Narcissistic mothers were not seen. Their talents not. Their beauty not. Their uniqueness not. This also explains this unspeakable hunger for admiration. Like alcohol -addicts, they gave to be perceived after every way. Which also explains why your own daughter should no longer shine or have more success.

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The self -esteem of narcissistic mothers is hardly there any

You only see yourself compared to others, especially the daughter. In any case, the grandiose self -expression must exceed the daughter's independence, otherwise the mother's early childhood experience will confirm not to be worth anything.

Now we are not only the fruits of our narcissistic mothers. In the detachment of years of narcissistic abuse, an act of reconciliation with one's own femininity must also take place. Otherwise there is an emptiness that we pass on to our daughters as in a relay race of the generation pain.

All of these findings make it possible for me to see my mother with gratitude. Our way together ultimately led me to a deep love for myself and made me strong for my wonderful life.

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Self -love is an important key to your own self -confidence

Incidentally, self -love does not mean buying the hundredth sweater and "doing a lot of sport anyway". Self -love means, especially for daughters of narcissistic mothers, means that you are with all corners and edgesLovinglyLook at and take.

You don't need to be perfect. You don't need to be terrific either. It is enough that you are. Just the way you are.

In love,
Regina Schrott - founder & managing director of Narz Mich not®

Link tips

-> If you want to know if you are in a narcissistic co-dependency to your mother or another person, do oursFree narcissism test.

-> For exchange in a protected framework there is oursFacebook group.

Help for affected psychological violence

If you or someone you know has become victims of mental violence, you will find help and support from the Federal Association of Women's Advice Centers and Women's Note in Germany.

TheAid telephone "Violence against women"You can reach on the phone number08000 116 016365 days a year, every time, anonymous and free of charge. Or you use itTelephone pastoral carewhich can be reached around the clock at 0800 111 0111 or 0800 111 0222.

Here you can findWomen's advice centersIn your area: women's house coordination:www.frauenhauskoordinierung.de, bff:www.frauen-gegen-gewalt.de

Important information is also available for sacrificial aid organizations such as: Weisser Ring eV (www.weisser-ring.deor via the Weißen Ring eV sacrificial phoneTel.: 116 006)

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