The thing with frenemies – why are we friends with our enemies?

What would we be without ours?? They are always there when you need them, even if you screw up yourself. They help, we can confide in them, without them life would probably be pretty boring. Well, you can't say it often enough: thank you for that. But our circle of acquaintances doesn't just consist of people for whom we would give our last shirt. In addition to the best friends, we actually have manyto other people who are somehow close to us, but also somehow not. People we like and dislike at the same time.What are the so-called frenemies? And how is it that we are friends AND enemies with them?

Frenemy is a portmanteau of two words whose meaning couldn't be more contradictory. It is made up of "Friend" and "Enemy" and describes a certain type of relationship that contains both friendly and hostile elements. Actually, frenemy should be seen as an oxymoron, i.e. as a term that is formed from two mutually exclusive components. The paradox is:and hostility do not do that. They exist, even in conjunction, as a complex relationship construct between two people that can occur in many social contexts: in personal life, in the office, wherever. Now you may think that this won't happen to you. We have many hostile friendships without even realizing it.

Frenemies in your circle of friends? It doesn't happen to me, many people assume. We lead many unnoticed. Maybe not always, maybe only in some situations, maybe only very subtly. But these signs indicate that our supposed friendship can sometimes turn into enmity:

There are some acquaintances who we like somewhere, but with whom we are always in competition, especially in a work context. You are constantly comparing yourself, constantly competing with each other and wanting to surpass yourself, be it in terms of career, social recognition or other personal achievements. This idea of ​​competition is a clear indication that friends are at least partly frenemies.

You can also tell by how you interact with each other whether they are frenemies or true friendships. Passive-aggressive comments are often the first sign of a hostile relationship. If you often make derogatory or sarcastic comments that are disguised as a joke but still have a kernel of truth somewhere, you reveal that you are not really happy about your personal successes.

Just because someone might be late or cancel a meeting doesn't mean that person is a frenemy. But anyone who constantly breaks their promises, doesn't keep agreements and lets you down when it matters most isn't doing a good job as a friend. Unpredictable behavior that is sometimes nice but sometimes cold could indicate frenemies.

Frenemies try to manipulate or control you to achieve their own goals. The friendship is exploited to gain personal benefits without offering you anything in return.

In a true friendship, you suffer when the other person is feeling bad. Frenemies, on the other hand, are not there for each other in difficult times and can only do a little. By the way, you can also notice this in yourself: Are you secretly happy when your colleague doesn't get a promotion or your girlfriend breaks up with her guy? And can't you begrudge the person in return if they are successful? Then you have your answer.

Frenemies tend to make themselves look bad in front of others, even though they are actually friends. Sheand share personal information about each other that you have confided in each other just to make the other person look bad. Uncool and a clear sign of hostility.

The only logical explanation that could be used to understand why we are friends with frenemies is that we are not aware of the hostile friendship. That may be true in some cases. But one should not forget that we not only suffer from frenemies, but also become frenemies ourselves, whether we are aware of it or not. But how does that happen? And why don’t we just kick frenemies out of our circle of friends? There are various reasons for this. Maybe we don't realize it, but maybe we've had such a long relationship with our frenemies that we want to hold on to the supposed friendship for nostalgic reasons. Perhaps our social circles also force us to remain friends with our frenemies because we work together or even hope to gain personal advantage from doing so. The idea of ​​competition spurs us on and motivates us; many people need that (subconsciously). In addition, there are emotional dependencies, the classic “not wanting to believe it,” the hope for change,and the need for validation that can explain hostile friendships. Frenemies rarely have a positive impact.

Dealing with frenemies requires aif you want to have a healthy relationship with them. And that's exactly what you should be clear about at first: Do I still want to remain friends with this person? Hostile friendships are often emotionally stressful, stressful and lead to trust problems. But they can also be an incentive to improve yourself and achieve goals. You should think carefully about whether and why you want to stay in the relationship and what role it plays in your life. You have to recognize the dynamics and reflect on how they affect your own well-being. You can only control frenemies if you define clear boundaries and implement them consistently, for example by using negative compliments () is prevented. Open communication with frenemies helps not only to create a healthy relationship, but also to eliminate any hostility from the friendship. If you're constantly putting down your frenemies and constantly gloating over your missteps, that's not something you should constantly confront in life. The only thing that helps is to reduce contact, break off it and concentrate on the positive relationships you have in life. Because that's exactly what a friendship is for: not just to take, but also to give.