We parents mean well when we offer our children help, do something for them, remind them of things or prevent them from doing things that we consider inappropriate. However, instead of self-confidence and self-confidence, we give them a lack of competence. It is even possible that by interfering we would sow uncertainty, doubt and even fear.
In such a moment we deny our children competence. Namely the competence to be able to solve something on your own. And the more we do this, the more the child gets used to relying on others rather than themselves.
In order for children to become responsible, independent and self-confident people, we parents should stop saying the following sentences.
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“That’s typical of you.”
The more often a child hears what they supposedly are, the more they believe it and limit themselves. This can lead to him behaving in a way that he believes his parents or other people expect of him.
So it takes on a role that others have assigned to it, but which it doesn't feel at all itself. It pretends to meet the expectations of others.
Not being able to be yourself seriously eats away at your self-confidence because you believe that you are not enough. So in order not to put the child in a fixed box, we parents should avoid sayings like these.
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“You always let…/you do…”
Generalizations like “You always leave everything behind” or “You never clean your room” actually only result in the other person being emotionally hurt. There is a huge sense of disappointment when parents allow themselves to say one of these sentences to their child. And that eats away at your self-confidence.
In addition, it is unfair to assume that the child will always do or not do a certain thing. That is unlikely to be the case.
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“It’s quite simple.”
This sentence, which is not meant in a bad way, is problematic in many ways. Because the message is contained in this statement: I am smarter than you and you are too stupid to solve even the simplest tasks.
If the sentence comes more often from a parent, the child will believe that the tasks are easy and that he or she is not smart enough to solve them.
In a school context, this means that he or she will be convinced that, for example, they simply cannot do math or have no talent for languages. It lowers its demands on itself. Which means that he will be satisfied with mediocre or even poor performance.
After all, it really believes it can't do better. By lowering his own expectations, he protects himself from disappointment. After all, you can't be disappointed if you don't expect anything yourself and assume that others don't expect anything either.
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“Let me help you.”
When we say to parents, “Let me help you,” we usually want to speed something up or do it better or right. So our intention is to achieve a good result. But when we intervene, we tell our child, “The way you’re doing it is wrong.”
A killer for any growing self-confidence. So instead of taking the helm straight away and denying our children competence, we can also ask them if they would like help. Or even better, we wait and let them make mistakes or ask for help on their own.
“You’re so smart/smart.”
Of course every child likes to hear that they are clever and intelligent. But if this is said over time, it also creates fear of failure. For example, when it is confronted with a task for which it does not immediately have a solution.
That's why it's always better to highlight a child's invested work or learning process rather than the mere result. In the long term, this increases motivation to learn and belief in your own abilities.
“Let me know when you get there.”
“Let us know when you get there”, “Take care of yourself”, “Be careful”, we like to let our children know that we care. That it is important to us to know that they are well. However, in these and countless other sentences the message always resonates: “Something could happen.”
This can unsettle more sensitive children in the long term and fuel fears. It is therefore better for their self-confidence to turn the tables and give them courage, strength and perseverance. Phrases like “You can do it”, “I believe in you” or “Dare” can help.
